Post by Frenchy Faith on Apr 12, 2004 12:13:14 GMT -5
February 20th 1999
We left the same day, in bus, and headed to New York. Faith was silence. I wanted to do something for her, but I couldn't find anything that would make her feel better.
The only was thing she asked me during the journey, was to know if I had read anything in the woman's head that let me know why our mother was dead. But I was unable to answer this question though I guessed it was probably linked to alcohol.
We spent about a week in the Big Apple, just together, waiting that they find me a family. We had Helen's money and so, not to worry about how to find a place to sleep or how to eat. I think it was the best week I ever spent, if I forget the sadness I felt because I knew she would leave.
Faith tried to make me forget it; she wanted us to spend a great last week together. Kakistos didn't seem to have followed us, and we didn't have to hide.
I keep the vivid memory of each second. We wandered in the streets of Manhattan, in Central Park, we went into those places to play virtual game, and we went to the cinema… we were just normal sisters, having a kind of normal life. That was the first time I saw Faith laugh so much, and it was not the laugh she has when she pretends to be happy.
We were in a hotel, not in a luxurious one, but at least, it wasn't a crappy one either.
The last night of the week, the day before she had to go, we tried for the first time a TV-pop-corn evening. We watched a crappy show, or more exactly a crappy show was on and we spent an hour to criticize it, making fun of every person. Then, for the first time since a long time, we played this game, that we played often when we were still in Boston with our mother. I had to read her mind and tell aloud everything I could see. With this game, I often realized, and so did she, that mind was actually very complex. Sometimes I misunderstood some things, some other times, I pointed out true things that were in her unconscious. The thing was to argue, (just speaking) to know what was true and what I had misunderstood. This time, like before, we began on trivial point, and went little by little to more important things. We came to talk about Faith's departure and me, having to be in a foster family.
I wanted to make her tell that she didn't really want me to stay here, while she would go to Sunnydale alone. And on this point, I managed to do well. She finally admitted it, but it didn't change anything. She told so many reasons why I had to stay here. I would be safe, I would have a good schooling, and I would have a chance to lead a 'normal' life…
In the beginning, I tried to trick Faith with what she thought but didn't' tell. But in the end, she was so convinced by what she was saying that I knew I couldn't make her change her mind on the subject.
Then, we talk for the first time about what happened, when Faith was able to hear me talking to her into her mind. She asked me how I managed to do it, but I returned her the question. I wanted to try again, while we were just in front of each other, but she refused. She didn't want me to practice, because she guessed I planed to do it when she would be away. Actually, I told her clearly that I wanted to do it, and go on talking to her when I wouldn't see her anymore. And there again, she reminded me she wanted me to forget her, to stop to read her mind. She tried to make me promise to do so, for like an hour. Nicely in the beginning, then trying to afraid me, then threatening me, and even with a desperate tone of voice. But I resisted, she gave up and I never made the promise.
We actually didn't sleep at all this night, and when the dawn appeared, we were still talking. I wanted to stop the time, and to prevent the sun to go on its road in the sky.
We took our breakfast silently this morning, the head full of the talk of the night. While we were riding to the building Faith had been told to go, she tried to cheer me up. She made some of these remarks so typical to her, that I was used to find funny. Despite all the reasons she had told, I bore a grudge against her to let me down here. It wasn't fair for her, because she did it for me, though it was hard, because she knew that in the end, SHE would be alone while I would be in a family. But I was mean; the sadness prevented me to be kind with her. I thought so much to the night-talk we just had, and I didn't understand how she could still want me to be away from her. My behavior hurt her more, and I'm ashamed to say that I wanted her to be very sad. I wanted her to suffer to let me. Today, this is one thing I'd like to change in the past. I was so childish at this very moment. I hoped that she would change her mind because of my behavior, but I actually knew she wouldn't. This is the meanest thing I ever did to her. Till this end, I remained stubborn. Till the very end, till she left, I sulked, like a f*cking little brat!!! I regret so much what I did.
And despite my meanness, she told in her head - because she knew I was reading hers- that she loved me but that I had to forget everything and lead a new life. The last time I saw her, she was smiling at me, though she was sadden by my behavior, and she told me '5x5 huh?' before to disappear behind the door. Those last words stroke me deeply. I remained without moving for a few second, but then I decided to run after her to apologize and to tell her bye… as I opened the door of the office I was in, I saw the door of the lift to close… too late. I wanted to follow, to go down by the staircase, but the woman of the office grabbed me by the arm, and they prevent me to go. My stupid behavior had wasted the last moment I had spent with my sister, and I wasn't even sure to ever see her again.
I kept following her in her mind, I tried to talk to her, but she didn't listen to me. Sorrow dwelt in her, and though she knew where she had to go, she was lost and lonely.
February 21st 1999
Faith had always been kind of alone during her life, but never entirely. Of course, I am younger, most of a whining and a burden, but I was there. I knew what she felt, what she went through, and I were able to understand her more than everyone else. Plus, she had to take care of me, and even if it was often hard for her, she saw this as her responsibility and she took it since I was born, more or less, and rather more as the time had spent.
While she was walking away from the building, she realized that she just got rid of one of her two responsibilities. She didn't have to take care of me anymore, and it was a huge burden taking out of her chest. After all, she was still very young. But hopefully, she had this other thing that falls to her. One job remained, to slay evil thing.
Gradually as she went farther from the building, then from the city and then from the state, she tried to focus on her job. She liked to have responsibilities, and had always lived to show that she was up to them.
In the end, had she had no other responsibility, she would have felt useless. She was always looking for something to do. And despite life had been hard with her, and particularly people, she still wanted to help them.
She had just replaced a task by another. And to fight against the loneliness, which weighs down on her, she concentrated on the only job she had now to fulfil. And the more she though about it, the more she convinced herself to erase me from her memory. She put me in a drawer deep in her mind, and closed the drawer.
I think I'm done at least with this part of her story. It was really long to tell, but I'm relieved now that I did it. You can now, whoever you are, understand better Faith. Maybe you're the man who will spend your life with my sister, and maybe I gave you this to help you to understand her, because I know she would never utter a word of this whole story to anyone. And I hope it will help. Maybe I actually gave you this Faith and maybe you are laughing right now because I sound so silly, but you at least now you know better how I saw all those events, and you know how I feel bad to have reacted that way when you left.
Anyway, I feel like I just finished a big work. I guess so much remain to tell, and I'm so far from stopping this story. To see how Faith is turning, to see her going into the 'bad' side, it's so hard to me. I can't do anything, though I try and try again to make her listen to me, or to contact the witch or the watcher (the older one). Both of them are the most likely to be able to hear me.
I thought about to phone there. But I realized it wouldn't work. Firstly, they have no reason to trust me, and could think I'm mad. Secondly, they could tell Faith about my call, and when she would know this, she would call the center, and she would learn that I had tried to escape many times, and she would get them to watch me more closely (if it's possible since they are already keeping both eyes on me lately).
The watcher is the one that could help Faith better. With time, and without Gwendolyn Post, he would have had a chance to make Faith trust him. The fact that he is quite old make Faith respect him, despite he is a man. And I can tell you it's very seldom when my sister respects a man (for the reasons you can understand). Concerning the witch, she doesn't like my sister. She sees her as someone who will make B. gets away from her, and turning bad. She is a kind of goody-goody, though I think she is nice. She seems to be a great witch, and I thought it would be easy to have mind's talk with her, but it's actually not. I couldn't talk to her on the Internet either yet, and I don't dare to send an email, cause it would be like a call, and she could think that Faith is trying to trick her.
They told they've found a new family, and that they would keep watch me very closely, so that I couldn't run away again. I couldn't do anything for at least a month, till they would relax their watching on me.
The month to come is going to be fun *sigh*.
We left the same day, in bus, and headed to New York. Faith was silence. I wanted to do something for her, but I couldn't find anything that would make her feel better.
The only was thing she asked me during the journey, was to know if I had read anything in the woman's head that let me know why our mother was dead. But I was unable to answer this question though I guessed it was probably linked to alcohol.
We spent about a week in the Big Apple, just together, waiting that they find me a family. We had Helen's money and so, not to worry about how to find a place to sleep or how to eat. I think it was the best week I ever spent, if I forget the sadness I felt because I knew she would leave.
Faith tried to make me forget it; she wanted us to spend a great last week together. Kakistos didn't seem to have followed us, and we didn't have to hide.
I keep the vivid memory of each second. We wandered in the streets of Manhattan, in Central Park, we went into those places to play virtual game, and we went to the cinema… we were just normal sisters, having a kind of normal life. That was the first time I saw Faith laugh so much, and it was not the laugh she has when she pretends to be happy.
We were in a hotel, not in a luxurious one, but at least, it wasn't a crappy one either.
The last night of the week, the day before she had to go, we tried for the first time a TV-pop-corn evening. We watched a crappy show, or more exactly a crappy show was on and we spent an hour to criticize it, making fun of every person. Then, for the first time since a long time, we played this game, that we played often when we were still in Boston with our mother. I had to read her mind and tell aloud everything I could see. With this game, I often realized, and so did she, that mind was actually very complex. Sometimes I misunderstood some things, some other times, I pointed out true things that were in her unconscious. The thing was to argue, (just speaking) to know what was true and what I had misunderstood. This time, like before, we began on trivial point, and went little by little to more important things. We came to talk about Faith's departure and me, having to be in a foster family.
I wanted to make her tell that she didn't really want me to stay here, while she would go to Sunnydale alone. And on this point, I managed to do well. She finally admitted it, but it didn't change anything. She told so many reasons why I had to stay here. I would be safe, I would have a good schooling, and I would have a chance to lead a 'normal' life…
In the beginning, I tried to trick Faith with what she thought but didn't' tell. But in the end, she was so convinced by what she was saying that I knew I couldn't make her change her mind on the subject.
Then, we talk for the first time about what happened, when Faith was able to hear me talking to her into her mind. She asked me how I managed to do it, but I returned her the question. I wanted to try again, while we were just in front of each other, but she refused. She didn't want me to practice, because she guessed I planed to do it when she would be away. Actually, I told her clearly that I wanted to do it, and go on talking to her when I wouldn't see her anymore. And there again, she reminded me she wanted me to forget her, to stop to read her mind. She tried to make me promise to do so, for like an hour. Nicely in the beginning, then trying to afraid me, then threatening me, and even with a desperate tone of voice. But I resisted, she gave up and I never made the promise.
We actually didn't sleep at all this night, and when the dawn appeared, we were still talking. I wanted to stop the time, and to prevent the sun to go on its road in the sky.
We took our breakfast silently this morning, the head full of the talk of the night. While we were riding to the building Faith had been told to go, she tried to cheer me up. She made some of these remarks so typical to her, that I was used to find funny. Despite all the reasons she had told, I bore a grudge against her to let me down here. It wasn't fair for her, because she did it for me, though it was hard, because she knew that in the end, SHE would be alone while I would be in a family. But I was mean; the sadness prevented me to be kind with her. I thought so much to the night-talk we just had, and I didn't understand how she could still want me to be away from her. My behavior hurt her more, and I'm ashamed to say that I wanted her to be very sad. I wanted her to suffer to let me. Today, this is one thing I'd like to change in the past. I was so childish at this very moment. I hoped that she would change her mind because of my behavior, but I actually knew she wouldn't. This is the meanest thing I ever did to her. Till this end, I remained stubborn. Till the very end, till she left, I sulked, like a f*cking little brat!!! I regret so much what I did.
And despite my meanness, she told in her head - because she knew I was reading hers- that she loved me but that I had to forget everything and lead a new life. The last time I saw her, she was smiling at me, though she was sadden by my behavior, and she told me '5x5 huh?' before to disappear behind the door. Those last words stroke me deeply. I remained without moving for a few second, but then I decided to run after her to apologize and to tell her bye… as I opened the door of the office I was in, I saw the door of the lift to close… too late. I wanted to follow, to go down by the staircase, but the woman of the office grabbed me by the arm, and they prevent me to go. My stupid behavior had wasted the last moment I had spent with my sister, and I wasn't even sure to ever see her again.
I kept following her in her mind, I tried to talk to her, but she didn't listen to me. Sorrow dwelt in her, and though she knew where she had to go, she was lost and lonely.
February 21st 1999
Faith had always been kind of alone during her life, but never entirely. Of course, I am younger, most of a whining and a burden, but I was there. I knew what she felt, what she went through, and I were able to understand her more than everyone else. Plus, she had to take care of me, and even if it was often hard for her, she saw this as her responsibility and she took it since I was born, more or less, and rather more as the time had spent.
While she was walking away from the building, she realized that she just got rid of one of her two responsibilities. She didn't have to take care of me anymore, and it was a huge burden taking out of her chest. After all, she was still very young. But hopefully, she had this other thing that falls to her. One job remained, to slay evil thing.
Gradually as she went farther from the building, then from the city and then from the state, she tried to focus on her job. She liked to have responsibilities, and had always lived to show that she was up to them.
In the end, had she had no other responsibility, she would have felt useless. She was always looking for something to do. And despite life had been hard with her, and particularly people, she still wanted to help them.
She had just replaced a task by another. And to fight against the loneliness, which weighs down on her, she concentrated on the only job she had now to fulfil. And the more she though about it, the more she convinced herself to erase me from her memory. She put me in a drawer deep in her mind, and closed the drawer.
I think I'm done at least with this part of her story. It was really long to tell, but I'm relieved now that I did it. You can now, whoever you are, understand better Faith. Maybe you're the man who will spend your life with my sister, and maybe I gave you this to help you to understand her, because I know she would never utter a word of this whole story to anyone. And I hope it will help. Maybe I actually gave you this Faith and maybe you are laughing right now because I sound so silly, but you at least now you know better how I saw all those events, and you know how I feel bad to have reacted that way when you left.
Anyway, I feel like I just finished a big work. I guess so much remain to tell, and I'm so far from stopping this story. To see how Faith is turning, to see her going into the 'bad' side, it's so hard to me. I can't do anything, though I try and try again to make her listen to me, or to contact the witch or the watcher (the older one). Both of them are the most likely to be able to hear me.
I thought about to phone there. But I realized it wouldn't work. Firstly, they have no reason to trust me, and could think I'm mad. Secondly, they could tell Faith about my call, and when she would know this, she would call the center, and she would learn that I had tried to escape many times, and she would get them to watch me more closely (if it's possible since they are already keeping both eyes on me lately).
The watcher is the one that could help Faith better. With time, and without Gwendolyn Post, he would have had a chance to make Faith trust him. The fact that he is quite old make Faith respect him, despite he is a man. And I can tell you it's very seldom when my sister respects a man (for the reasons you can understand). Concerning the witch, she doesn't like my sister. She sees her as someone who will make B. gets away from her, and turning bad. She is a kind of goody-goody, though I think she is nice. She seems to be a great witch, and I thought it would be easy to have mind's talk with her, but it's actually not. I couldn't talk to her on the Internet either yet, and I don't dare to send an email, cause it would be like a call, and she could think that Faith is trying to trick her.
They told they've found a new family, and that they would keep watch me very closely, so that I couldn't run away again. I couldn't do anything for at least a month, till they would relax their watching on me.
The month to come is going to be fun *sigh*.