Faith's sister : Hope

[Frenchy Faith]

Well, if u want so, I'll post it, lol, hope you won't get too bored. I'll post bit by bit so that it's not too much at once.

Edit : Since I'm not going on the story for now (coz broken laptop, not even my fault) I'm in the process of editing my story, mainly mistakes in the language. I think no one had actually understood most of the story since I didn't understand myself some stuff when I reread it ! lol
Anyway, I'm correcting mistakes I can see (doesn't mean all mistakes, I'm still not good enough) and I'll edit gradualy in here.

January 13th 1999

My name is Hope. I'm trying to find my sister. Our mom often talked about Faith. When she was drunk, angry or in a bad mood she accused her, insulted her, and belittled her.
I don't like to live in a foster family; I want to find my sister and go to live with her.
I have to save her from herself. She seems to be close to the boundary that will lead her into the bad side. She mustn't go into that, I need her. I think I know how to help her, because we lived the same story, and I exactly know what she feels.
I know she's in Sunnydale right now, so I left my foster family which live in New York, and I took the bus to go there. With a bit of luck, they wouldn't look for me and find me. "They" it's my foster family and the police. Each time they caught me and sent me back in a family. The last ones were nice, but I need to be with my sister, and I know she needs me, I feel it. I see her in my dreams sometimes, and there is this thing. She is arrogant, cheeky, appears like the person who don't care, but I know exactly how she really is inside. She can't afford to show anything, cause she is the Slayer, and she wants prove that the other isn't stronger or better. I know all of this, the thing allow me to be aware about all of this. And I know that she is really close to sink into despair.
I might arrive in Cleveland in an hour if all is ok.

January 14th 1999

I'm in Cleveland, but I don't have any money to take the next bus to St Louis. I'll find a way to find get money, I still don't know if I'm going to work or to steal this time.
Faith had had a bad day. She's madder at the other than anytime before. I'm really sad when I see her being that way. I remember when we were younger, living together in our mother's house.
It's my mother's fault if Faith is how she is now. She forced her to be strong, to hide her feelings, to cheat, to lie…
I keep the vivid memory of the real Faith, the one who is hidden. I wonder if anyone else know that she is behind this mask. I know she has feelings, like everyone else, when she protected me against my mother, she showed that she cared about her sister.
But it was hard for her. She is only 3 years older than I am, but she always stood in the way of our mother when she wanted to hit me. Even when it was really hard. Thanks to the thing I have, we could often escape, cause she told me by thinking, what I had to do.
This one time, I was really scared, because our mother was just a bit drunk, not enough to be unable to see clearly and walk straight, but in the same time she was very angry, because the TV wasn't working and she thought we'd broke it. At this moment Faith wasn't still at home, and I was alone with our mother, and I was trying to escape. But she stuck me, and began to yell and hit. Since I was 8, I didn't have a lot of strength, but hopefully, Faith finally arrived, silently, and seeing what was happening, she told me by mind to get ready to escape, while she was taking stuff to throw to our mother in order to divert her from me.
Then we ran away and we spent the night in a park. And Faith gave me her jacket, since it was fall and began to be really cold. She was always trying to make me safe and warm, and she went without a lot for my sake.
Well, I have to find a way to get money now, I hope I won't arrive too late to prevent Faith from doing something wrong.

[Xander Snaps]

Very good. I like how it's suppose to be like a journal to, that's cool. I also how the story is making Faith seem nicer to. ;D Good job Frenchy. Wahoooos and all.

[Faithy]

I’m glad you posted it here, you’ll keep posting it right? cause I know there is a lot more.
And I as well like the whole journal thing, and it’s nice that someone is delving into the reality behind Faith’s downfall. Everyone wants to just say she’s bad, but we all know she’s just tortured, not evil. Your doing a good job! ;D

[Frenchy Faith]

Thanky Will & Faithy !!!
U'r really nice.
& yep, I don't understand how ppl can think that Faith is bad, I mean, she is really good, & doesn't mean to be bad really. Her past is why she acted like she did, & yep, I felt like I had to tell how it was & why it came to this. lol, yep, i'll keep posting, just didn't want to post too much at once.

January 15th 1999

Well, I finally found a way to get money. Faith taught me that, how to manage to live, that's the way I learnt with her. I'm lucky, because I had her to teach me that, whereas she had to learn that on her own. She never told me how it was, how she learnt, but I guess it was hard. For me, she made all a piece of cake. All the mistakes she did, she told me about it so that I won't do them. For instance, she showed me how to pretend that I've not enough money to go back home by bus and to get that someone give me some money. But she explained me that I should be very careful to not accept to be driven to home, or to not say where I really lived. We've played a lot of scene together; it was easier when we were two. Faith told me I was perfect in the part of the little girl who scratches her leg, while she was picking the wallet of the person who stopped to help me. We had lot of fun. And with the stuff, it made all easier, she could tell me how to act depending on what the person did or said.
But I'm too old to play the little-scratchy-girl now, so, I mainly pretend that I need some money to take a bus, or I wait that people leave their car for a minute without locking it, and then, I go to look for what I useful for me in it.
I once ask to my sister if that was bad: stealing. She answered me that when people can afford to buy things, it's not a good thing to steal, but she added that we were totally right when we did that, because we had no choice. And she added that I mustn't tell to anyone about it, because if I did, they would put me in another family and that I'd never see her anymore. I didn't understand very well at that time, cause I was 8.
'One day, we won't steal anymore Hope, and you could ask for anything, and you would have it.' I believed her when she was saying this to me and actually, I think she did believed herself too, or she wanted believe it.
I found a bus to Colombus. The trip till Sunnydale would be probably longer than what I thought. I just hope I'll arrive in time before she makes a mistake, because I've seen that she is really jealous of the other (I forgot to tell that her name was Buffy).

January 18th 1999

Well, a good step forward for me, I'm in St Louis. I found a way to take 2 bus in one day and night. The next place I got to go is Springfield and then Oklahoma City.
I'm going quite fast finally. Hopefully, because I can feel Faith's bitterness increase everyday. And actually I understand her and I bear a grudge against the other. It's funny, because Faith call her B. and I think the girl don't like that. But that's not a reason to be mean with my sister. I mean, I can see that, from the beginning she is jealous of Faith. I really don't understand why, but it's obvious. It's weird, because I feel that Faith would like to have B.'s life, so they are jealous of one another.
The other doesn't make lots of effort to make Faith's fit in. When she invited Faith for Christmas, it was cause she felt she had to do it, but she didn't really wanted to. I know it, thanks to the thing.
I've never really explained what was this "thing". It's a kind of "power" but I'm careful when I say power because it's not the kind of Faith's power. I have the ability to read people's minds, and when I sleep, I can see their real lives. I just have to focus on the person I want to see. I don't see their all lives; I see what they are doing when I'm sleeping. That's why I can't see what my sister is doing all the time. But it's kind of helpful. As I said, it helped me when I was little, because Faith couldn't read my mind, but I could read hers, so, she just thought something and I was able to know what she wanted me to do.
But back to Christmas, I know that Faith was really trying to fit in. First she didn't dare to say yes to B. because she thought she would be rejected, that's why she told that lie. But actually, she made an effort to overpass her lack of confidence, and she went at the other's house. But B. didn't really care, she seemed to think that the gifts Faith had given were really crappy (by the way, I saw that it had taken to Faith lots of time to find something that she would dare to offer). And if Faith told her they were crappy, she didn't mean it of course, but the other didn't take the time to reassure her about that. She didn't see that Faith isn't as confident as she appears, cause if she were, she wouldn't care about B.'s thoughts about the gift.
I wonder if I should warn someone that Faith need to be reassured. I could warn Willow, but I'd rather not actually, because I don't know if she would tell to Faith that. Willow is a B.'s friend, and since Faith is in Sunnydale and knows all people around B., I'm trying to make contact with people who are around her, just in case. I got to know Willow because I entered her mind and discover that she was a kind of web-person. Once, I enter the same chat she was in, and I kept her address email and create some contact with her, without telling who I was or anything.
This time I found an honest way to get some money, I'll suggest to people to let me wash their cars when they're filling up with gas.

[Xander Snaps]

Very good. ;D You a great writer. That's cool that she can read minds when she's sleeping.

[Frenchy Faith]

January 21st 1999

Darn, three days that I'm stuck in this place. The honest way to get money isn't working very well it seems. I have to leave this place because the gas' station owner begin to look at me in a strange way, and I worry he could be aware that I'm a runaway.
The family I was in probably warns the police the day after I left, or even maybe the day I left. I let a letter for them, because they were nice, telling them not to worry, but they probably did warn the police even if I asked them not to do.
It's been the 3rd family I had been put in. Each time they found me (cause I always ran away) I told it was because the family was mean. It's not nice I know, cause it was never true. But I couldn't say I was trying to catch up with my sister cause if I had told that, they would have warn her, telling that I was trying to go with her, and she would have been mad at me.
It was her decision to put me in a foster family. It's a long story to tell actually, and I'll have to tell it one day.
But before to tell that part, I need to tell the whole story that comes before, and it's way so much longer, so I guess I'll go with that everyday, telling more day after day. Because I want to tell the whole story in this diary, so that Faith will be proud of me when I'll be done. It's a pact between us. Since I'm little, she had always told me that she was the strength and that I was the brain. And once, when I told her I wanted to write a book called "The best sister in the world" (I was 11 when I told her that, so excuse me for the silly title). She told me 'Alright, but the day you would write it, I want you to write our story, not only mine, because you're a part of my story.'
I don't know why I can remember so exactly some sentences Faith told me, I guess she has a big impact on me.
That's actually why I've started this diary, which is meanwhile a sort of logbook of my trip from N-Y to Sunnydale.
And I want to show through this diary and the story I'll tell gradually, how Faith became who she is today. How and why she built this armor to hide herself, fearing to be broken by people's meanness. I want to make people aware of her fragility, so that they stop to think that she doesn't care and stop to take what she says as an offence. I don’t know if this makes sense, because nobody would probably read those lines. Who knows, maybe one day, I'll give this diary to the man who would like to be on her side for the rest of her life? So, maybe those lines would help him to see who is Faith, and why she is who she is (that doesn't make any sense, does it?)
Finally, the bus to Springfield will leave only tomorrow and I really need to leave now, so I'll take the bus to Little Rock.

January 23rd 1999

Some people are really such bastards! I asked an information about the best way to go California to two guys and they wanted to take me into their car. They nearly forced me to enter it. Hopefully, Faith was a good teacher! She taught me all I know and trained me… for example, to run fast.
I haven't her strength, but when she trained with Helen (Helen was her watcher, the woman that trained Faith), sometimes she made me train with her.
That reminds me that I never explained that my sister is a particular person. She is a Slayer. A slayer is a kind of, "superhero" I would say. She got a huge strength once, and since she has a watcher and must fight against a whole world of evil things (you wouldn't believe me if I told you what kind of being).
Faith hasn't been a slayer since she was born. It happened one day, she was … 16 I believe, yes, that's it, and I was 13. Faith has always had a ‘big’ strength; but this day, the ‘big’ became HUGE. I'll always remember: this day, our mother had brought a man at home (as she often did). She was sleeping and the man was awake when I come back from school with Faith. When we entered the house, he came toward us, all kindly-nicy and asked how was school (we didn't even know this guy) and then, he began to bother Faith. I feared the worst; I feared what happened once in the past. But she didn't let him touch her and became aggressive with him. So, he changed his mind, turned to me and asked me if I wanted to be nicer than my sister. Faith told in her mind (and I was reading her mind at the very moment cause I was frightened) to step back slowly and to head for the window that was on my right. The man, seeing that I was about to get away from him, caught firmly my arm and pulled me to him. I was so desperate since this scene was the same we had lived the year before.
I was trying to struggle to make him let me go of, but since I was 13 and he was a man, taller and stronger, I couldn't do much. Faith, seeing this, rose against him and came on his back with a sort of long material and wrapped it around his neck and began to tighten. Surprised, the man let go of my arm, and tried to get rid of her. He managed to pull her down after nearly a whole minute, and trying to breathe again, he fell upon her to hit her. But before he was able to do what he intended, she kicked in the stomach, with an awful strength and the man fell on the floor. Then, she grabbed me by the arm and we ran away from the house and from this man.
I was baffled by this surprising strength that I never saw before, and so was Faith.
As we arrived in the place we used to go when everything went wrong, she asked me many time if I'd seen her doing this, because she couldn't believe it. It wasn't the first time that we had this kind of problem with the men our mother brought to home, but we usually escape them by tricking them, cause we knew we were too weak in front of those strong men. Or sometimes, we were just unable to run away and to escape them.
But this time, it was all matter of strength, actually Faith's strength, and it was just amazing.
It was only few days later that we met Helen. She came at our home, and asked for Faith (I was the one who had opened the door and I trust her at once because I could see good purpose in her mind).
Then, she explained her (Faith told me that cause Helen wanted to speak to her alone) that she had been activated, and this gave her incredible powers and that she had now to fight against the evil of this world.
She asked too about our way of living, and first, Faith didn't trust her and hid everything, telling that we had a good life. So, Helen began to train Faith, and won her trust. Since I told my sister this woman had really no bad purpose and that she even worried about both of us, she finally decided to tell the woman a part of our story. Helen then offered us to come to live with her, and Faith did accept. From this time, we had better lives. Helen was so nice with us, but knew to be strict enough with Faith and to handle her so that her new power didn't turn her head. And it was necessary, cause Faith was really delighted by this new ability.
Well, I have to stop here for today, because I need to sleep to know how Faith is going right now.

[Frenchy Faith]

January 24th 1999

I'm glad for Faith; she seems to fit in a bit more. I feared she wouldn't be ok after the Gwendolyn Post's story. But this thing with the self-styled new watcher, destroyed Faith's trust in anyone I think. Too many people have played with her trust. It was already hard for Faith before to have confidence in someone, and this last episode wasted every effort that had been made.
She tried though; she really made effort to be nice to other people. For example, this one time, when a guy had dumped B. This day, Faith showed her friendship to B., she wanted to cheer her up, she suggested that the two of them could go to the dance together. She was mean to the guy just in order to please to the other. But B. didn't seem to care about that. She would never said thank you to my sister, or even a nice word.
But it'll be easier to understand if I tell some of the story that destroyed her trust in the past (and the story I began yesterday will wait).
The first person responsible for that is our mother. Despite of her behavior, she was our mother, and we both somehow loved her. Faith wanted particulary to please to her. Well, we both wanted, but I think that I tended to care more about please to my sister than please to my mother, because Faith had always been a kind of mother to me. It was different for Faith, because she was the elder one, and so, the only older one she could look up to was our mother. And that's why it was so hard for her. You know when you try to do everything to please someone, and this person doesn't care at all about you? It was exactly what happened to Faith. She did everything she was able to make our mother proud of her: taking care of the house and of me, bringing money at home, offering gift to her. But nothing satisfied our mother.
When she was about 14 years old, she turned her love and began to look up at someone else. It was a guy, way older than her. He was in college, was something like 18 or 19 years old.
It was easier at the time to make Faith have confidence in someone... I said easier but I don't mean it was a piece of cake! But this fellow had probably something special, exuded... I don't know... a kind of charm, which made Faith trust him at once.
For one month, he was really nice to her. She was always talking about him, and was really beaming. It was the first time I'd seen her so happy. But unfortunately, it didn't last. I'm not gonna tell every details on this. In a word, he exploited her admiration, he abused her and he got her to do everything he wanted, things that I'd rather to keep unsaid.
But Faith was so much gazzing at him that she didn't want to see that he was only using her and I couldn't make her realise that because she didn't listen to me. I tried, but I'm younger, and I was only 11 at the time, so, why she would have listen to me? It was during this period that she began to hang out, to smoke, and to drink.
I donno what really happened in the end, but from what I guessed, reading her mind, he rejected her, called her names and went away with an older girl. All of this of course after he had used her for many months.
Faith was totally broken. She didn't come back home the day it happened. It took me two days to find her (thanks to my "ability") in a lost and dirty part of the town. Once more, I'm not gonna to tell all details, but I can say it took me a very long time to make her stand up and come back home. And it took me so much more time to make her regain a bit of self-confidence. This part of her life really left its mark on her. She was never the exactly the same anymore after this.
But despite of this, and to go back to the present fact, I truly can say that Faith made an effort with B. Ok, she is a bit jealous, but she admires her as well. And when Faith tells the other some stories, which happened to her, I know she'd like B. to say something about it, even if she pretends that she doesn't care. But the problem is that B is selfish. She doesn't care at all about Faith. Just one thing counts for B, her own problems, and nothing else. She should give a bit more attention to my sister, because it’d be a way to prevent her from doing something wrong!
Well, I'm going to take the bus to Dallas. I've been here for two days and I had time to get enough money to go till there.


January 25th 1999

I'm getting tired to take the bus. First it's not comfy, then, it's hard to sleep in it, and I'm always awaked amid my "watching" of my sister's life. And moreover, sometimes there are odd people who come to bother you. I'm a bit worrying, because the guys who wanted to take me in their car last time are in Dallas. I've seen them just as I went out from the bus. Since they know that I'm going to California, I hope they aren't following me, that they're here just by chance.
I think I might continue to tell the story about Faith, the watcher and the training, so that I could explain better how I learnt to fight, and particularly to run fast. (I'm good at this, means that I'm a coward huh? I guess so)
I was saying that Helen took us both at her home and that from this point, our lives became totally other, in the good way.
Helen was kind of the mother we had never had. I trusted her with every word she said since I had read in her mind such a kindness, such a will to help and to love us both. It was the first time someone cared about us, I mean, she really cared, without expecting anything back, without willing to use us.
Faith pretended believe me about what I had seen in Helen, but I could see that she was still fragile (since the story with the guy) and needed to make her own opinion about Helen. That's why she didn't want me to tell her the secret of my "ability" first.
As I said, Helen was nice, and she found the way to reach Faith's trust. She was in the same time a caring ‘mother’, and a good and strict watcher. I still don't understand how she managed to do that.
So after 2 months, Faith finally agreed to tell her about this mind thingy. She listened to us attentively and when we had finished the whole explanation, she looked at me and told me it was a great gift for me to have this 'ability'. She was sure I was able to use it for the good, and she just added to end that it would be better for everyone's sake that we continue to keep this secret. I liked a lot Helen's reaction, because I feared that she would look at me differently after that, like 'she is odd', but she didn't. I even found in her mind that she didn’t think I was odd, but that I may have something special to be granted by such a wonderful thing. I saw she looked at me in admiration in the same way she did at Faith. It made me feel a bit uncomfortable first, but it was great too because I felt for the first time that I had a kind of great 'power' (I don't like much this word for this ability though).
However, when Helen trained my sister, I was allowed to go with them. I did the same exercises, with a lower level. When Faith was running, training stamina, I followed her, and she stayed on my side the time I was able to keep on. It was nice from her because of course, she was able to run faster and as soon as I gave in and stopped she quickened her pace and continued for another hour.
Faith's stamina in running and fighting, her power to jump so high or to fall from a high point without being hurt amazed me. And I'm still amazed actually. And with the training, she became each day more and more powerful.
It was a great life that we both lived with Helen. And when I remember all this, I feel warm inside. But I know I'll have to tell the sequel of this story. And suddenly I’ll remember the fire going out, letting everything dismal and death behind. Ashes remain and they are the only memory that left.
But I don't want to tackle this part of the story right now, I don't feel ready to live what happened once more by telling… not yet, I need more time.

[Frenchy Faith]

January 27th 1999

I don't fear as much as few times ago that my sister would turn to the bad side. She seems to begin to open up herself a bit, and to show at least a true side of herself. She gets along better than before with B and her friends and the watcher. She invests herself more and show an interest about the demons they are fighting… I guess I was worrying for nothing.
I know that she would be able to build herself again after the story with Gwendolyn Post, and I hoped she would trust the others, but I thought it'd take more time. I guessed it wouldn’t take as much time as after what the guy had done to her, but I didn't think it'd be that fast. Well, it's great, I guess she found good reasons. I just hope it's not fake, because when I read her mind, there are so much feelings, all mixed up, that I can't really see well.
Or she really found a good reason to pass over what happened, or she plays let's pretend, and hides to herself that she had been hurt. For the first time of my life, I can't see clearly in her. What I see in my dream, the way she behave let me think that she is really ok, but if she is, why those thought? Only a few of course, and deep inside, hidden, but still here.
If I’m telling this, it's because I know her, and I know that she pretends when things don't go the way she'd like.
She says it doesn't matter, tries to persuade herself of it, but inside, bitterness grows. When she was… 10, I think, (I was young but I can remember clearly) there was a story about a dog. For a long time, Faith wanted to have a dog, but our mother didn't want to.
One day, as we where both outside for some reasons, we saw a small, adorable dog coming toward us. We petted him. He was so nice and happily wagging his tail. He had no collar and probably didn't belong to someone, so Faith brought him to our house. We were both glad to have a pet, but I remind that Faith was particularly happy. And I knew why, because actually, she wanted a dog since she was little (I mean more little than what she was at the time, cause she was already little).
Once at home, we made him enter the place that was in front of the house and that I won't dare to call 'garden', and we continued to play with him. He was barking only a little bit, but it was enough to awake our mother who went out from the house mad at us. The dog unfortunately went to welcome her, but all he received was a kick in the belly.
She yelled at us to go back into the house and let the dog locked between the house and the fence. Then she shouted at us again, about how crazy we were to bring a rabid mutt in her house, and she called the pound. We begged her not to do so, and to just release the dog, but she didn't listen to us. Faith was crying, she told our mother that she would do everything she would be asked to do if the dog could be released. When she heard that, our mother said to Faith to bring her a bottle of alcohol. She brought my sister to the gate, so that when she would leave, the dog would be unable to escape. Faith came back about 10 minutes later, running as fast as when she had left, with a bottle of whiskey (that she had stolen). It was just when the pound truck arrived. She gave the bottle to our mother (who had wait behind the gate during all this time) and was about to open the gate to free the dog. But our mother grabbed her by the arm made her enter ordering her to go back into the house and closed the gate behind. Two men went out from the truck, she told them she was the one who had called, and she opened the gate and let them take the dog.
I stood on the doorway, as they took the dog, and I'll always remind the scene of Faith, trying not to cry again. She had in her mind such hatred against that woman, that I was terrified. She didn't dare to do it cause of the men, but at this very moment, she felt a profound will to hit and to shout at this woman who had fooled her.
She clenched her fists so strongly that her fingers had became white. When the truck disappeared behind a corner, taking the dog in it, our mother looked at Faith with an evil grin. She was satisfied, and I could read in her mind that she felt she had won, that she had break down her daughter once more.
My sister looked up at her, with so much grudges against her, but told nothing. She slowly went back into the house. She was containing herself because she knew that if she showed her grief, our mother would be more proud of herself.
I followed her into our bedroom, and as she sat on the bed, with so much thoughts running in her head, I gave her a cuddle, trying with my little hand (I was 7 years old), to wipe a tear rolling down on her face.
She spent most of the night to cry silently in her bed that night, but the morning after, she acted as if it never happened. She was younger, and still not able to hide to herself her feelings very well, so I saw that the pain was still inside, but nobody else could notice. She pretended not to care about the dog, but I know that, still today, she sometimes wonders whether the dog had been killed or not. And she feels responsible for what happened, taking the blame for bringing the dog at the house and so, condemning him to die.

Well, it's time for me to stop for today, because I've been in this town for two days, but I still don't have half of the money I need to go till Odessa, or at least Abilene. Dallas is a big town, but I should have avoided it because there are more policemen and I fear that they could have a picture of me, and recognize me and send me back to New-York. Last time it's what happened, but I was only in Memphis when they caught me.

[Frenchy Faith]

January 30th 1999

I think this town wants to keep me. Five days that I'm stuck here. And those guys are around. They know that I'm in the town too. Yesterday they saw me, and tried to catch me. Once again thanks to the training, I was able to run fast, to jump far and to climb a wire netting.
But that's not the more important for now. I want to go on with Faith's story, because I suddenly realized that telling her life was such a big work, and I don't know if I would be able to finish my telling one day.
This is a huge work and a huge mess since I'm telling everything not in a chronological order or anything like that. But I just can't tell, following an order, because her life was a mess. Telling it that way, the story get closer to what was her life.
The story I told about the dog reminds me tones of other ones about our mother and Boston. Because, Faith was born in New-York, but we always lived in Boston.
This town was hostile to us. Faith learnt it, and then taught me, how to survive in it. The only way was to be able to fight. Already before she was a slayer, my sister knew to kick asses and to stand up for both of us. Well, of course, it wasn't the kind of slayer fighting, but more the kind of fight like cats and dogs, but hey, it was still fight!
Most of time, the fight was due to someone who tried to steal us something. The second reason was when some older guys came to 'have a talk' and then, tried to bring us in some place to 'give us candies or things'.
The third reason was our mother.
In the street, Faith was aggressive with people and all the time on the alert. She didn't need a lot to join the fray. And after a fight, she usually explained me joyfully how I might do when people would come to bother me like it just happened. She had already trained me in some way, before we met Helen.
I didn't like much when she trained me because we were fighting with each other so that I could 'really' be ready in the case I'd have a problem. And Faith was harsh. I know that it was better for me to learn with her instead of learning as she did, in the street, but it was still hard.
At first, it was more like a game. When I was 7, it was not really like real fights. But it got changed after one event. I was 9 when I came back home with bruises and clothes ripped. A 12-years-old-boy had stolen my schoolbag as I was coming back to home. Faith, when she saw me, was first worrying. But as soon as she made sure that I was ok, she grabbed my hand and brought me outside the house, in a place that was always empty, and so, where nobody could see us.
It was my first real lesson. Faith gave me first some tips, about how to avoid a punch or a kick, and then, she told me to stand up for myself. I thought it would be as usually, like a game, but it wasn't.
I got hurt really bad for the first time by my sister. I was crying and begging her to stop, but she only told me to pick myself up and to fight.
After I had received many punch and kicks, she finally let me down and went back home without looking at me. I was mad at her, I felt betrayed. After a while, I finally picked myself up once more, and went back home. Faith told me to get a shower, but I didn't obey her. She had made the dinner, as usually. She was serving me with some food when a feeling of anxiety suddenly overwhelmed me. I realized it came from my sister. Since I was mad at her, I wasn't aware of her feelings. But at this very moment, it was so strong that I couldn't ignore it. And then, I understood. Faith was worrying to lose my affection. But I understood that she was worrying much more about my safety, and that was the reason why she did that. She wanted to train me, to make me able to defend myself, because she knew the background we were living in wouldn't make me any favor. Understanding this, I became so grateful to her, because I knew that the most important thing for her was to be loved, and she wasn't loved by many. She risked to lose my love because she wanted me to be safe. I looked her in eyes, amazed by what I had just understood. She told me quite coolly 'stop reading my mind' but I already knew. I just smiled at her and this smile relieved her, she knew I would still love her.
From this day, she trained me twice a week. I still didn't like that, but I had no choice and knew it was to help me, not to put me down. Bit by bit, I became better at avoiding punch and kicks. I could run faster to escape, and was even able to give her some punch.
It was hard for me at the time, but now, I'm so thankful to her, because this training allowed me to get out of predicaments so many times.

[Frenchy Faith]

February 1st 1999

I'm finally out of this town! I won't keep happy memories from this town. I spent the last day to hide and run, because as big as the town is, the guys found a way to find me. Don't ask me how, or what they wanted from me, because I really don't know. I was finally able to escape them thanks to another man who had a car (he really didn't look like the others, he was nice) and who accepted to take me with him to Breckenridge. It's not exactly where I expected to go, but it's still good if I'm far from these guys. I don't know where I would go now, because it would depend on the bus' destination.
To go back to what I was saying last time, there were many reasons for fighting in our everyday life. You've seen that when it was about to fight outside, Faith had no problem. Of course, she lost the fight sometimes, because the others were stronger, but she never gave up easily… never gave up as long as she didn't faint actually.
But there was another situation that was harder. When it was about fighting against our mother. As I said, Faith, as incredible as it can appears, loved our mother. And this feeling prevented her to fight against that woman most of time. Of course, as I said when I told the story about the dog, she often thought of beating against her, but it remained a wish.
When our mother slapped her, most of time for no reason, she didn't move or try to avoid the hand. She was submissive with her, more than with anybody else I think (but it can give you an insight of why she was submissive with Post, and even with Helen before, but I'd have to tell that later). And it wasn't cause she was coward. She hoped that being that way, our mother would finally love her. All she ever got was slaps, kicks and insults. And contrary to what you could think, the most painful for her wasn't the physical pain, she didn't care about it, wounds always heal in the end. The worst ever was words. And our mother was the worst when it was about calling us names, particularly with Faith. And once more, it was something that she kept inside herself. Faith never showed how hurt she was.
But there was one reason that made Faith fights our mother however. And I'm gonna to be ashamed, because once more, it was my fault. As I said before, Faith always stood up for me. She faced everyone to protect me, and our mother as well. When it was all about her, Faith let our mother be violent on her, but when our mother took it out on me, Faith protected me by diverting our mother anger on her. Compared with my sister, I wasn't beaten a lot, not at all, and this was thanks to her.
I hardly dare to tell this one time… I feel so guilty… still now, and I would always feel I think, because what she'd done, was the harder thing ever, and she avoided me lot of pain, just because she wanted to protect me. Words are not enough to tell how brave was her act.
It was on March 1997. Once again, our mother had brought at home a man. They were both drunk. Faith, seeing how they were, told me that we'd better to go into our bedroom, and we were about to do so, when the man told our mother how cute daughters she had. Our mother burst into a stupid laugh, and finally answered that we were both wild and impertinent kids. The man told 'oh really?' and whispered something into her ear. She seemed to sulk, but told him 'as you wanna'. Then the man turn toward us and told us 'I think I'll teach you how to behave! A nice kid must not be impertinent with her mother!'
Even though I had an idea this didn't mean something good for us, but I had no idea of what this man really wanted. Faith did. She grabbed me and we tried to escape. But despite he was drunk the man caught me. Faith would have been able to escape, she just didn't. She came to the man, and made a deal with him. She would go with him if he let me go. And so did he. Faith told me to go out of the house, but I didn't want to, I was lost and trying to figure out what the hell was going to happen. Then, Faith shouted once more at me 'Get out of here!' and I finally ran away, like a coward. 'And don't read me' she added just as I was on the doorway. But she couldn't force me not to do so, and I was so worried about what he was about to do to her.
I couldn't see her, but I felt the pain, in her head. I'll always remember how the awareness of the cruelty knocked me senseless. With this screaming pain in her head, in my head, I felt I had to go back inside, and I ran to the room they were in. But the door was locked. I hammered on the door, screaming, crying. Mother came out, angry. She beat me up, shouting to mind my own business. She let me hardly conscious, crying silently on the floor, and came back into the room. I couldn't feel my own body's pain; I was overrun by what I was reading in her mind and couldn't stop to feel her pain.
Few minutes later, Faith got out of the room, alone. She helped me to pick myself up, and leaded us outside the house. The pain was still so strong in her mind, but she was stoical, once more acting as if she felt nothing. We went to our secret place, where nobody never went, and sat there. She was holding me in her arm, staring into space, and she hadn't uttered a word. I burst out sobbing, and she just lulled me to calm me and whispered slowly 'Shh Hope, tis ok, everything's ok'.

[Xander Snaps]

You're very very good at writing. How much more of this journal story we got left? Or are you still in the process of writing it?

[Frenchy Faith]

Yep I'm still writing it. More like in pause lately since I don't have the laptop anymore & no time either.

February 4th 1999

I know I stopped suddenly last time. But I don't know if anyone can figure out how this kind of story is hard to tell. As I said, I don't forgive myself for what happened. It's my entire fault and I feel responsible for so much pain in Faith's whole life.
I often wonder how she was able to keep up after this 'world of hard events' she had to go through.
The first memory I have from Faith (it's the first of all my memories actually) is the image of both of us, locked into the closet. I can remember clearly how frightened I was (I'm not sure but I think I was about 4) because we were into the darkness and our mother had just shouted at us before. And I still keep the vivid memory of Faith, who was only 7 and already trying to put my mind at rest, humming a little song. I learnt to like darkness since this time.
But if I'm beginning to tell you this, it's because I want to introduce the relationship I had with my sister, and trying to explain it better.
It's easy to see with the whole things that I've said before, that I deeply respect and love Faith. And in her whole protection to me, it's easy to see that she loves me too. We are lucky that in this world, we have at least this sisterly love. Well, now you might picture flowers, songs and dances… everything is great, we love us each other! But don't think it's that easy.
As I said, Faith is looking for love, from everyone. And I think you can understand that. She wants the love she had never had when she was young. I mean the kind of parental love.
Because she wasn't loved as a child, she gave me all the affection she had in herself for two reasons: first, she didn't want me to have the same childhood as she had, just a lack-of-love life. Secondly, because she needed to express her feeling sometimes. I was the only one she could truly show her feelings, without fearing betrayal or anything, because she knew I admired her deeply and then, because whether she wanted it or not, I knew it all already. This 'ability' is for sure the best gift I could have to make my sister talk to me and share how she felt.
Many times, Faith was upset that I could read her mind. I think everyone would have been if they knew. When she was with the guy I talked about before, I saw the whole thing, and I was trying to warn her, and many times we argue about it, and she said she forbade me to read her mind and Larry's mind (it was the guy). Even if I wanted to obey, I sometimes cannot control it, when feelings or thoughts are too strong. So I just shut my mouth about it, and tried to prevent any bad event that I could feel. Of course the guy didn't know that I was able to know every part of his mind, had he knew, I think he wouldn't have had all this awful bull**** in mind at least, not in front of me.
After this story, I played for the first time the part she had played with me during her whole life. As I said, she was really broken inside, and for two weeks, she didn't react to anything. I had to stand up for her, and for the first time in my life, I discovered that my sister could be vulnerable. Despite all I knew from her thoughts, I had never thought she could be so much affected. And while I was standing for her in front of our mother and other people, I realized how hard was the part she had played for me for so long.
I gave her more affection than I ever gave, but I was alone, and moreover her sister, not her mother. And it wasn't enough. She had lost this guy and what he was giving to her. Despite of how he used her, he knew to give her a sort of affection (I wouldn't say it was love) she needed. And when she lost this, all the love I could give her wasn't enough, because she was looking for another kind of love. I knew this, and I tried to find some nice guys, that could help her to find confidence in herself again. Don't think I was nut enough to entrust my sister with some 'risky' fellows. I spent a long time to check their minds and lives before to dare to introduce them to her. But Faith wasn't ready to put her trust in someone else once more. From the day she accepted to hang out with a guy again, she just played with them. She didn't keep any of the tone of guy she dated with because she wanted to take her revenge on them. 'A guy betrayed me once, but it's not gonna to happen twice' she thought. Actually she was scared. And she still is.
This is what she did once more with this guy, Xander. I think she likes him, because he is really funny, honest, and seems to care a bit about her. But it's not enough though, not enough to make her trust him.
Well, I'll head for Abilene with the next bus. I feel somehow that the journey is getting longer and longer. Will I ever arrive in Sunnydale?

[Frenchy Faith]

February 6th 1999

Actually, Faith seems to fit in more than before, but I can see clearly. Faith made a dream last night and I finally got it. I wasn't sure of her mind, because she tricked herself so much, that I couldn't see how she felt inside, for real. And what I've seen is not good at all, since she doesn't trust anyone. As I thought, Gwendolyn Post’s story destroyed all the confidence she had re-built since Larry's story. And if they do nothing, it'll be worst. 'They' are the ones around Faith: B. and her friends and the watcher. I'm mad at them cause they don't care at all about my sister. They've never been worried that at 16 years, she lived in a flea-pit of a motel (she was 16 when she arrived and turned 17 on November 6, but of course, they didn't know it was her birthday cause they've never asked her, they don't care).
She respects Giles (the watcher) but doesn't trust him. Same for B. She could trust her in the end, if the chick cared at least a bit about my sister, but she is self-centred.
All I can see now is that Faith is on the edge, and if nobody gives her a hand to help her to come back on the ground, she could fall.
Faith has always been the kind of I-pretend-I-don't-care-but-I-beg-you-to-tell-me-what-you-think girl. I mean, she's built a facade so that she pretends she doesn't care about what other think of her, but she is truly concerned and you can put her down or up with just one word.
It was already like that with our mother. Faith was so affected by every word our mother told us.
But to make you understand I should begin the story from the beginning.
Our mother had Faith when she was only 16. She had the kind of pregnancy that you don't notice until it's too late for abortion. So, she had to keep the baby, and she didn't abandoned her because at that time, she wasn't, at that time, the kind of woman we knew. Faith's name comes from this feeling into our mother, that she could go through hard ordeals if she had faith. We don't know anything about the 3 years between Faith's birth and mine, because Faith didn't keep any memories. Then I came, and from what I know, my name come from the time when our mother was on the edge, and was desperate for luck in her life. So she called me Hope.
But anyway, our mother was young when she had us, and we were both unwanted child. And here is the connection with Faith's concern about what our mother told. Since the woman never stopped to repeat how we had wasted her life, how she had been too nice with us, because she never abandonned us, whereas so many girls did so at the time. And Faith took it all for real. She felt guilty for being born. That's one of the reason why she always tried to please our mother, to feel less guilty and at least get her love.
And what made all of this worst for Faith was the fact that our mother was sometimes nice. Yes, it's hard to believe but the few times she wasn't drunk or mad, she was nice enough to say to us some nice stuff, and even, (it happened twice) to apologize for her behavior. How could we hate her after that? Those nice moments make us think that our mother was a nice person who was possessed by a demon when she was mean. And the few nice times were a very short insight for Faith into the love she was looking for.
Each time our mother was nice, Faith put her trust into her, and each time, she had been used and deceived. How could she keep trusting people after all she'd been through? After have been cheated so much?
But if nobody try to catch Faith, if nobody try to earn her trust, then, sooner or later, we will lose her. That's why I need to go to Sunnydale, as fast as I can. To warn them, and to help them, because Faith will trust me, she always trust me.
I'm in Abilene; the next stage will be Odessa, or Midland.


February, 10th 1999

Oh my gosh! Why the hell am I stuck here? I just can't do anything when she is going through hell right now. And this stupid chick who can't help to say stupid remarks!
Of course she killed him, of course he was human, does she think Faith is dumb? She cannot understand that Faith needs to be held right now, she needs to be told what to do. Unfortunately B. doesn’t care, and she lets her alone, with her fear, with the horror inside of her, the disgust to have killed someone.
She is responsible somehow for Faith behavior now. She should have tried at least, but she acted like a coward.
She still doesn’t know it, but it was the last straw. It’s almost hopeless for Faith now; it was the point of no return. Had B forced my sister to go to talk to Giles, I’m sure there would have been a chance to prevent her to do something wrong.
I was sleeping when it happened; I’ve seen it all. Both what happened for real, and what was going on in her head. I’m so sure of it; I had never seen such a mess into her head. It’s so much more serious. The confusion is like hundred times what it was after Larry’s deal, and at least five times what it was after Helen’s death.
And there are good reasons, this time, it’s not about to lose someone she loved, it’s about killing, taking someone’s life. And not a demon's life.
When Faith lost people she loved, she still could re-build herself, because she could think, in the end, that she did her best, and that it wasn’t really her fault. But this time… she is guilty, the only one to blame. She knows that, and it’s so heavy for her to carry this… alone.
I feel so useless; I can’t do anything to help her. I must warn them, I must try to contact them, Willow maybe.
Into her head, it was so… oh gosh! I don’t know if anyone can understand it. It was a mixing of strong feelings, horror, pain, disgust, and fear but in the same time, a kind of feeling of power and strength. When she heard B shouting ‘No’, and realized this guy wasn’t a vampire or a demon, she thought for a while she was dreaming. More exactly that she was into a nightmare. She glanced at the dead guy, hoping she would awake, but it was real… it was the awful, hurting, scary reality. She didn’t know, as she said, but she did it, she killed him.
And what happened the whole day before didn’t help. It had begun so well though. Faith had become the leader for once, for the first time since she arrived. She integrated more into the ‘Scooby gang’ as they call themselves. She had influence, particularly on B. She played again the leader she was when we were in Boston. B was just… a kind of puppy! She taught to the girl the kind of life she has always lived. She showed to B what freedom was. Well, kind of, because it wasn’t really this kind of life that we led when Helen was still with us.
But as I said, it was great for Faith, for the first time since she arrived. She felt respected, even listened! But meanwhile, it makes her see that B wasn’t that much amazing. Of course, she still respects her, she is still amazed by her because she is the slayer, and she is older and THE chosen one. But somehow, she felt that she could make the grade. I thought it would enable more complicity with the other, and make her trust B and maybe Giles. But this incident wasted everything, and it’s not the new watcher who would be able to help in any way. He seems so… like he doesn’t understand anything. He is rigid, strict, and ill at ease and looks like an auk. He pretends to know what to do, let’s see how he will deal with that!
In all seriousness, I really worry; I have to try to contact Willow through the Internet. I hope I could do something to advise them. I’m still too far. I tried to work to have enough money to go to straight Sunnydale, but I didn’t imagine it would be so expensive.
I need to sleep more to see what is going on, because I feel my sister’s feelings and she isn’t ok. I feel like an insignificant insect, unable to do anything, not even to help the person who did so much to protect me.

[Frenchy Faith]

February 11th 1999

I feel that this story is going to turn worst than what it already is. I can’t say how I know that, I just feel it.
Since Helen’s death it’s been… different, both for Faith and me. I didn’t agree with the decision she made, and I still don’t. But I guess I need to explain the whole story, so that you could understand what I’m talking about.
As I already said, we were living with Helen since Faith discovered she was a slayer. Life with this woman was great; it was like… a normal life I would say. The kind of life we were both looking for.
We had been living at Helen months for eight months, and hoped this would go on that way for the rest of our childhood, because we felt secure. But it seems that fate decided to make it other. It’s not fair because when at least we have a bit of luck, when at least we are happy, something comes to waste our joy.
So, on September 1st 1998, was our first meeting with Kakistos.
Just talking about this “thing” makes me shiver. Kakistos was an evil creature. Faith was used to fight against demon, monster or stuff like those, but this one… was the worst she’d ever met.
It didn’t look like at once; he just seems a bit stronger than others do.
While the first meeting, didn’t really lose the fight, because he ran away. I think he was actually pretending to be weaker than what he really was, to test Faith strength. And there is something I must tell, as I’m talking about that, I can’t read demons’ minds. That’s pity, because it would have been helpful. If I was able, I could have helped my sister, but I was useless, once more.
So, when we came back home, we told Helen about this creature. But it didn’t seem very serious, so finally, she didn’t make lots of research about him.
A week passed without seeing or hearing anything about Kakistos.
An evening, Faith was outside to patrol, alone, (she loved her new job and spent her nights to patrol…or to go into nightclubs too), and she met the monster and his guys.
I was sleeping, and I remember clearly what happen.
She was in a street that seemed to be empty, when they all appeared suddenly from nowhere. They were a dozen at least. She thought she would have hard time, since they were a lot, but she was sure she could beat them all.
And it was on good way. She had already killed 4 of them and hurt 3 others. But then, she faced to Kakistos himself. He had an ugly face, and seemed pretty strong. The fight begun, and it was amazing. The vampire was amazing. He avoided every punches and kicks, and it was as if he was never tired, as if he felt no efforts. Faith couldn’t reach him, and in the end, he grabbed her by the neck and begun to strangle her.
From here, I don’t know what happened because I awaked suddenly and warned Helen and we ran to go to help her. But I still felt for a while that she could hardly breath, and there was a kind of panic into her head.
And then, there was just nothing anymore. I began to panic, but I knew my sister wasn’t dead, because I would know if she was dead, and it was not exactly like if she was dead. It was more like a blackout.
With Helen’s car, we reached quickly the place, and actually I think we scared them, because we’d put on a police siren (this little loudy thing helped us more than once).
I’m not sure they’d been frighten by us, but however, when we arrived, there was nobody anymore except Faith, lying on the floor, unconscious.
She was still alive, as I thought, but badly bashed up. We put her into the car and went back home.
When she awaked, we asked her what happened and she told us that she finally was able to free herself from Kakistos, but just has she did so, she received a knock on the head, and it was so strong that she fainted.
Faith quickly healed, and hopefully I would say, because with what happened then, it was necessary.
I’m going to stop for today, because I have to take the bus, which heads to El Paso.
I hesitate a lot, I want to call Faith, but she had neither cell phone nor even a phone in the fleapit. I wasn’t able to contact Willow either. I tried with my mind, since she is a witch, I thought I could establish a contact with her, but it didn’t work.

February 12nd 1999

Since the attack, Helen was doing more serious research about Kakistos. She figured out some things, for example that he was a particulary old vampire, coming from Europe, but nothing really about how to kill him. We didn’t know what made him special, and why he was so strong.
Faith was pissed off. Since she got her powers, she had never lost a fight. Sometimes it was hard, sometimes it took her a few encounters to win, but she always found a way to win.
It was the first time since she got her power that she had fainted, and she didn’t like it.
She was eager, and wanted to go straight to find the guy and beat him to death, because she was sure she could do it. But Helen ordered her to do nothing till she had not found some better informations.
A week passed again, and when heard nothing from the vampire or his cohort.
And then, came September 14th.
Helen told to Faith to be very cautious, but she didn’t forbid her to patrol. So on this evening, we were just together, both me and Helen, and we were amid books, still working about Kakistos.
It was about 9pm when we heard a noise outside, and I felt something was wrong. Helen looked at me, and I know she waited me to say if I could feel any presence or had a kind of premonition. I went into Faith’s mind to check if it was ok for her, but all seemed normal.
It was weird, because both of us could feel something wrong. I could read in Helen’s mind that she was worrying.
Suddenly, something broke a window-pane. We made a jump and stood up, and Helen went to lock the door. We took some weapons that Helen kept into a box (which were a crossbow, a sword and two little daggers) and light off so that nobody could aim at us from the outside.
For few seconds, the world was standing still, like expecting for something. But it didn’t last and all of sudden, we found ourself into a chaos.
Windows blew up, shouts came from everywhere and vampires attacked us. We tried to defend ourselves, but it was hopeless. Oddly, they didn’t kill us. We had been tied and gaged, and they carried us into a car.
We had been driven into an old warehouse. Kakistos waited for us there. I knew it was him because I had seen him through Faith’s eyes. But even without that, it would have been easy to guess he was the boss.
When he saw us, an evil grin appeared on his face.
‘Good, good’ he told to his guys. And then he asked them if they had let the message. A vampire answer that all was the way he wanted it and Kakistos repeated again ‘good, good.’
Then, he came toward us, and told smiling, ‘hope that your guardian angel will come to save you’.
When we were there, tied, in front of them, Helen was talking to me into her mind. She told me to warn Faith. She knew that my ability allowed me only to read minds, and not to talk to peoples’ mind, but she insisted. She ‘told’ me she thought I could do it since Faith and I were very close, and because she might be at home by now, and so, be aware that something had happened to us.
I tried to do so. Indeed, Faith was into the house, and she had found the message Kakistos let for her. The message ordered her to find, steal and bring back some objects. Kakistos wanted to make Faith a thief, a private thief more precisly. And we were the ones who could allow him to blackmail Faith.
Faith was really worrying, and choking with rage. We were the two most important person to her, and she feared so much that we could die. She decided to do what Kakistos asked her.
I wishpered what happened to Helen, and she told me by thought to try to talk to Faith, into her mind, and to tell her not to do so. I should told Faith where we were kept (because we had seen the road we had taken and we knew exaclty where we were) and told her not to obey to Kakistos.
I went again into my sister’s head, and try to make her hear me. I repeated again and again, but it didn’t worked.
Helen told me to try again.
So did I. I spent the whole night to concentrate on this.
It was hard, because Faith was overwhelmed by a feeling of anxiety and anger. She pictured into her head so much scenes, seeing me and Helen dead, tortured. It was hard to catch her attention. While I was concentrate, I pretended to sleep, so that the vampires didn’t suspect anything, and Helen was encouraging me.
When it was about five in the morning, I finally caught a tiny seconde of her attention. It was enought to make her understand that I was trying to talk to her. From this moment, she stopped, sat on the floor and concentrate. I was so tired, because it needed so much concentration to try to talk to her, but when she realized she had understood, I felt reinforced, because it was the first time in my life that I could do that.
Since she was concentrating, it was easier. It was not like a talk, because it was very difficult to make her grab what I tried to tell her. But bit by bit, I was able to make her get sentences. I told her we were ok, and from this time it was more easier again, because she worried a bit less. Then I told her the place where we were, and the number of vampires, and that she sould not do what was written on the message.
She argued with me about that. She didn’t want to risk our lives. I told Helen what Faith told me, but Helen insisted that Faith should NOT do it.
I repeated this to my sister. She had always, (or nearly) obeyed to her watcher, so this time, once more, she obeyed.
She decided to come, to try to free us.

[Frenchy Faith]

February 12th 1999 (later, amid the night)

You might wonder why I don’t try to contact Faith, as I did this one time with Kakistos, don’t you?
But you could guess that I already tried this. I can’t say how many times I tried. I thought that maybe I could develop my ‘ability’ and that we could, you know, often talk by mind, don’t lose contact and such.
I think it could have worked… if Faith wanted so. She refused it.
I’m going to tell you later the story of why we split up since it’s the sequel of the story I’m telling now.
But to make you understand why it worked this time, and it’s not working now, you have to consider Faith’s will. It’s up to her to decide to listen to me. At this time, she was worrying for us; she was opened to anything to save us. As soon as she felt I was trying to contact us, she concentrated as I said.
But now… I think she might have felt once or twice, when I gave so much energy to speak to her mind, like few days ago, when she killed the guy. But she just shut her mind. She doesn’t want to hear anything; she is trying to forget me, even though it’s so painful to her.
I would better to go on my story so that you could understand better.
As I said, Faith got where we were, and she came to free us. But it wasn’t that easy. Kakistos’ guys kept an eye on us, both eyes actually. They were about 15 all around. Plus Kakistos himself (or should I say itself) and two guys were in another room. There were more vampires, but they were outside at the moment.
About an hour after I had told to Faith the place we were kept in, Helen awaked me (I had fall asleep because I had put all my energy to do the mind talk). I hadn’t seen anything in my dreams because I was too tired to do it, but I felt at once that my sister was around. Helen told me Faith just tried to get the vampires attention, because she caused a noise that make a part of them going outside to check what it was (it was still the night, but came closer to dawn). I should not have slept; I should have tried to send her another message to warn her, to tell her their number, maybe to find a strategy.
Kakistos and the two others came back from the room; they had heard the noise too, and now, they were hearing sounds from what seemed to be a fight.
Since he was the boss, the old vampire ordered the two guys who were in the room with him to stay here with us, and he went outside with the rest of his gang.
She was fighting hard. I could feel she was worried about their number, and above all, about Kakistos, because she had just saw him coming from the warehouse.
Helen and I tried discreetly once more to free ourselves from our bonds, but we were tied too tight, and the two vampires were walking around us and were careful about our every movement.
I felt she got weakened… and a fear assailed her suddenly. I knew Kakistos came closer to her, he was the one to frighten her. You must not think that Faith was like a coward in front of him. This fear was inside of her, and I could feel that despite of it, she would fight hard against him. He had won easily once, that was taken for granted, but she thought she had a chance this time, because she was the one to surprise him.
I felt the fight going on, then… just the pain. He got her. His guys hold her; she couldn’t get rid of them.
They brought her into the warehouse… she saw us tightened and I felt her anxiety.
Kakistos was laughing. He made a kind of speech to his guys, then, he talked to Faith, and it was for Helen and me as well.
He told her she should not have tried to trick him. He told she was gonna pay for this. He told WE were gonna pay.
Faith was boiling. She blamed herself for listening to us. She wished she had just done what he told her.
When the vampire talked about punishing us, she cried to him to punish her, and to let Helen and me in peace. To keep her and to release us.
It was a mistake… Kakistos guessed her weak point. He knew how he had to do to hurt her, and to get her to do everything he would order.
He ordered to the vampires that were holding my sister to tie her very tight and with many bonds.
Then, he told to another vampire to untie Helen.

I know I should go on… it’s just so hard. Memories come back, images with them… awful images.
I can’t… not tonight… I’ll tell… I think I have to tell… but not tonight.
Tomorrow… I’ll tell everything tomorrow.

February 13th 1999

I’m so pissed off at her. She is stubborn. She has always been actually. I tried again to talk to her when I was into her mind. I had chosen a moment when she was in her ‘room’, alone, quiet and in a thinking mind. I tried for 2 hours, just after I had finish to write yesterday. But when she felt it, she threw me out. She knew I was there, into her mind, and she told me to get out of here, to forget her.
I don’t understand why she closes herself to me. She never did it before, even when it was a bad time. Not until this story with Kakistos had happened.
I have to finish with it. Maybe it wouldn’t haunt me so much once I would write it on the paper.

I stopped when Kakistos made untie Helen.
From this…as I said, the vampire knew how to hurt Faith. He brought Helen 10 feet far from Faith, and tied her again, but on a chair.
Then… he took a knife. I think everyone can figure out what happened next.
There are no words to describe it. Awful, abominable, dreadful, horrific… none of those words are strong enough to explain.
Helen amazed me. She didn’t make any sound till it became unbearable. And even then, she was incredible.
Faith and I were horrified. I cried out of loud. I could feel Helen’s pain through her mind. I could nearly feel the blade cutting my flesh. I didn’t want to feel it, but it was too overwhelming. Tears were rolling down my face… I expressed what Helen didn’t show. She was stoical, I was hysterical.
Faith was staring at her and at me, one after another. She tried so much to get herself untied that blood came out from her wrist. But she didn’t feel the pain.
She shouted at Kakistos to stop it. She said she would do anything, she begged at him, she cried… and the bast***d just answered it was how she would learn the lesson.
He didn’t kill her. When he stopped to torture her, she had scars on her face, on her arms… bruises everywhere. She had fainted.
The vampire made Faith be released, because he knew she wouldn’t do anything to fight, and she just ran to Helen, crying over her.
Kakistos came closer and whispered to her ear that next time she would thing twice about trying to fool him.
Then, he said her to get out and to come back with what he asked if she didn’t want me to suffer the same treatment.
She glanced at me, and I could see in her look that she was desperate, she had no other idea to deal with the vampire. She was gonna do what he asked, even though she was sure he would kill all of us when he would have what he wanted. For now, Faith just wanted to gain time. Then, she kissed Helen on the forehead, and told aloud ‘I’ll be back soon’, before to stand up and run away.

[Frenchy Faith]

February 14th 1999

Kakistos was about to let Helen, without giving her any water. I felt a bit better, because Helen’s mind was empty since she fainted. I begged the vampire to free me and to allow me to put some water on her wounds, to take care of her.
I thought he wouldn’t allow, but he just laughed, saying the world was going upside down if the kid taken care of the mother. However, he ordered a vampire to untie me. Then, he warned me that if I tried anything to escape, he would kill Helen this time.
She looked really like hell. I untie her bonds. I saw a faucet and removed my shirt to wet it. As delicately as possible, I cleaned the blood that was drying on her white skin.
She groaned in her unconsciousness. Her mind began to awake. I could feel the pain appearing gradually within her mind. She was recalling the entire scene that happened. Her eyes opened and despite her weakness, she tried to pick herself up, to hug me and to utter some words in order reassure me. At once, she asked me for Faith.
I made her to lie down again and told her what happened. She just sighed and I knew she wished Faith didn’t subject herself to Kakistos.
She was too weak to speak, so she asked me to listen to her mind. She told me Faith should NOT bring back to Kakistos what he asked, particularly when he would have all of it, because it would make him so powerful, that nothing could stop him then.
She added that I had to escape, and then Faith and I should try to contact another one, a powerful one, who lived in a town called Sunnydale, in California.
I didn’t understand at time, but I answered it was absolutely out of the question, because the vampire told he would kill Helen if I tried to escape. She tried to convince me that it wasn’t important, that she would better to die knowing the world would be safe, rather than living in a world that would see Kakistos becoming so powerful. I didn’t wanted though, and I’m sure it doesn’t appear very silly, because you could understand how much Helen was important to me, and to Faith.
The sun had risen, and all vampires were back into the warehouse. I could count about 30 of them, mostly sleeping.
The hours spent so slowly. I went very often to the faucet to wet the shirt, trying to avoid stumbling on the vampires that were sleeping on the floor, and that I could barely see in the darkness.
Helen was sometimes delirious, sometimes sleeping and sometimes regained consciousness and kept saying the same thing, to escape and to contact Faith to tell her not to bring back the things.
I was worrying for her, I feared she wouldn’t survive.
I kept checking my sister’s mind regularly, and try to talk to her, to tell her about Helen, but she was too concentrate on her task and couldn’t hear me.
Dusk came at least, and Kakistos came from the other room. He was beginning to be angry, because he had given to Faith till 7pm to bring back the thing. It was 6pm and there was still nothing from her.
I knew she had some problems, and she would be late, because she was in the opposite side of the city.

February 15th 1999

I’m not telling anything that is happening lately because the story takes me so much time. I’ll tell everything when I’ll be done with it. I just can tell that it’s not going better, since she staked that man, Faith is so weird. I can hardly understand what’s going on her mind. I know she is very much affected, but hardly understand what she intends to do, because she has a plan. The question is which one?
But to return to the matter of the story, Faith was late. Kakistos didn’t like it and made the warehouse’s doors be closed. He had an idea in mind, but I couldn’t guess what it was (that’s pissed me more than once not to be able to read demons’ minds). When Faith arrived at 9pm, running and out of breath, she found the doors closed and hammered into them, shouting that she had what Kakistos wanted. She was worrying that the vampire could have left with us.
Inside, Kakistos ordered to a vampire to tie me again and to brought me on the roof. Just as I was taken there, I saw the leader brutally grab Helen, who was still so weak, and followed us into the stairs to go on the roof.
I was worrying so much about what he intended to do, because it was obvious that it would be bad for Helen and me.
Once up there, he went on the edge of the roof, still holding Helen, making her stand up despite her weakness.
He began a speech directed to Faith. He pointed out that she was 2 hours late, and that he had been getting angry, because he dislikes when people don’t obey him. He said he knew that my sister intended to be cheeky and to show in front of his guys that a slayer could defy him. And he added she would pay for that.
Of course, Faith tried to explain that she had had some problems to get the thing, but the moron didn’t listen to her.
I was seeing in her mind, that when the vampire talked, Faith looked for a way to climb up to reach us on the roof. But there were no scale, no container to help her to climb so high.
I don’t think Kakistos was able to read her mind, but she was so worry that her mask didn’t hide how much she was concerned by what would happen to us and he easily saw once more that he had found the good way to hurt her.
He suddenly stopped to talk. His last words had been about the punishment. He slapped Helen twice, on the cheek, to make her react, because she was half-unconscious… when she looked up at him, tortured by the pain that I could read and nearly feel since it was so strong, she had in her eyes a strength that I had never seen before. She didn’t cry, she didn’t move, she just looked at him coolly, with contempt, despite of what was about to happen. Her attitude irritated the vampire still more… he plunged his fang into his neck frenziedly… and drank greedily her blood.
Faith screamed with anger and pain. She tried again and again with rage, to reach the inaccessible roof.
I was stunned. I had fell on the floor, overwhelmed by too much pain. To my own feelings and disgust was added my sister’s feelings and Helen’s ones, as she reached slowly the path of the death.
As long as she was alive, she was talking to me into her mind. She told me I had to escape now, because if I didn’t, I would find the same fate. Whatever the way, I HAD to escape, and Faith and I would have to go to see the other slayer that she had already mentioned.
She felt the death come closer, as this beast swallowed the blood, and she was weaker. I can’t really explain it, but it was as if a mist were covering her thoughts. She last told that she loved us both, that she knew we would go through this ordeal the following ones, because we were both clever and strong girls.

When Kakistos had finished to drink, Helen was about to die, but still alive. In her last thoughts, she told me that Faith and I would have to take care of each other and that I should be particularly careful watch over Faith, because if she was the strongest, she was paradoxically the weakest as well, because she was mentally very fragile. Those were her last thoughts, before to crash on asphalt, 5 feet far from Faith who had screamed and run, but not fast enough, to catch her in order to cushion her fall.
Indeed, when he had finished to drink, Kakistos had grabbed her by the throat, dangling her in space for a few seconds, and then and had let her go of.
Faith fell on the knees on the broken body’s side. She held her, crying silently, saying she was sorry.
Helen’s thoughts had disappeared from my mind, but what she told before to die was engraved in me.

[Frenchy Faith]

February 16th 1999

I remained stunned for a few seconds. Everything was like suspended no noise, no movement. It was as if someone had stopped the time.
Helen’s words echoed still in my mind. I heard them, most of all, and behind them, I could feel my sister’s anger and pain. It took me less than a second to make up my mind. I knew what I had to do.
Helen was dead when she had been thrown but it was because she was already weak. It was high, but I could do it… I had to try. If I didn’t try, Kakistos would use Faith and then, he would kill me.
He had begun to talk to Faith, telling that next time she should be faster if she didn’t want me to suffer the same fate. The guy keeping me wasn’t really paying attention because he probably thought I was weak and I wouldn’t move. I suddenly kicked him into the belly and with my hands tied in my back I began to run to the edge of the roof.
It was so quick and so sudden that no vampire had time to catch me. As I came closer to the edge and saw the edge, I began to doubt about jumping into the space, because it was about 40 feet high, but I had no other solution. Helen’s words helped me to make the last step. As I fell I felt my sister’s fear as she saw me jump. She hadn’t had the time to move since it was all of sudden.
The crash was violent. I heard my right leg make an awful noise and then felt a nagging pain coming from it and spread in my whole body. Faith ran toward me, worrying that I could have died in this crash. I was close to faint cause the pain was unbearable, but I tried hard to remain conscious because if I had fainted, it would have been as if I had done this jump pointlessly, since I was sure Faith couldn’t escape if she had to carry me.
As she told me that I was fool and asked me if I was ok, I tried to pick up myself.
The vampire on the roof were beginning to react, as they had understood was happened.
Faith supported me to stand up and then, to ‘run away’ - I would say that I was more hobbling -. We both had a look at Helen’s body before to leave. We felt bad to let her body in their hands… but we couldn’t take her with us.
I was jumping on one feet, and Faith enabled me to keep my balance. We were hardly a minute ahead of the vampire, and with me injured, they were coming closer.
We went round the corners every time we could, to make them lose our tracks. It had worked a little, because they had to divide themselves in two groups. They were about 15 to follow us now. It was still too much for Faith, because she was weakened by the day she had spent to bring back this thing. She hadn’t eaten anything and hadn’t rested.
For the first time in our lives, it seemed that we had some luck, because in one of the streets, which were -I remind you- in the industrial area, we found the entrance of another little dark street, and in it, there was a door that was open. I thought that kind of luck only existed in fairy tales, but I discovered it worked in real life as well.
We feared that the vampire could find us, but they never did. I was trying to focus on something else, but I couldn’t help to feel my legs hurting so much. I fainted just as we had found this stash. When I came back to consciousness, Faith had put her jacket under my head as pillow, but she had disappeared. I looked around a bit worried, but I knew she wasn’t here. She was outside but I was reassured to read into her mind that she was coming back. She brought water, and had checked out where the vampire had been.
‘Those bloodsucker gave up with us’ she told when she saw I was awaked. She was trying to have a self-confident look, but inside she was scared. She had no idea about what to do, she was worrying about me and my broken leg, and the grief over Helen was so strong.
Then, Faith made me drink and asked me if I felt capable to walk till the hospital. I wanted to cry just thinking that I had to walk till there, cause it was so far and every little movement made the pain nagging much more, but I didn’t and told my sister it wasn’t a problem for me. I didn’t want to add more problems to the situation. The thing was that we had no money to pay the hospital. I knew she was trying to find a way to get some bucks. There was a solution, but I didn’t know if I would dare to utter it. Helen had money into her house. She had showed us were she was hiding it, just in case we would need it when she wouldn’t be there. The day she had showed us, we were both very surprised, because it was the first time someone trusted us enough to share that kind of thing.
But with her death, I thought it could be an offence to take this money. I talked about it to Faith in the end, and she didn’t hesitate. It was the only fast way to get money, and she didn’t want me to suffer longer, so she decided to take this money.
We went out of this stash, and Faith led me to the hospital. It took about an hour to reach a road and we finally found someone to take us into his car and to drive us there.
I had fainted again in the car. I had tried not to, but couldn’t prevent it, and my sister had to carry me on her back till the hospital’s hall.
There, she told to the nurse that I had fallen from a high roof, and then, she left telling that they had to begin to heal me and that she would be back soon with the money.
My leg was put in a cast, I had been given crutches, Faith paid everything with Helen’s money, and the day after, about 11 in the morning, we both were outside.
We first found a park, sat there and I began to tell to my sister every word that Helen had said. I told her about this other girl that we had to meet, who was living in a town called Sunnydale. I told her that Helen had told she knew we could go through ordeals cause we were strong and smart.
Faith had been very moved when she knew this. She remained silent for a while, and this time, I didn’t try to read her mind, I respected her silence and wanted to let her think in peace.
After a while, she looked at me. Her look was like odd. I asked her why, but she didn’t answer. I finally read her mind, but I was just able to catch her thought about me not having read her mind before she began to talk about going back in Helen’s house to take some belongings. I stopped her and asked what I haven’t read into her mind, and why she was looking at me that way, but she told me it was nothing. She kept making surface some plain things in her mind so that I couldn’t guess what she had thought about. I insisted but she just made me shut up.
We went there, and we began to pack up. We had just begun when Faith told me to continue alone because she had something to do. She knew there was no risk for me since it was the day, and she added she would be back about one or two hours later.
She didn’t let me time to react, and left before I had time to utter a word.

[Frenchy Faith]

February 17th 1999

I got to stop to tell this story for a while because I think the more important for now is to tell what happen with Faith. Lots of things had happened, and I’m pissed off that I couldn’t contact anyone to prevent this.
Since Faith killed this guy, she is very disturbed, but as I said before, she hid it, even to her.
The cops had interrogated her and B, and my sister appeared to them totally relax and they believed at once when she talked. But she worried that B couldn’t bear this secret anymore, and that the menace about telling the cops she was here too wouldn’t be enough to prevent her from talking. So Faith went to talk to Giles. Gosh, I would never have thought that she would do this. She told Giles B had killed the guy. Poor sister, she didn’t see that he was pretending to believe her. Even without my ‘ability’ I could have guessed it.
She thought it had worked.
And it’s then that all went definitely bad. Xander came into her ‘room’ to talk to her. I already told, my sister do really like him, it’s just that… with all that happened to her with guys, she just isn’t ready to trust one yet.
She was glad to see him… but when he talked about the ‘having heard this version’ it just stunned her. She knew very deep inside of her that people were not gonna to trust her, because they always trusted B.
But she had hoped, and to see his plan failed made her lost again. The worst was that it was the guy she liked the most who came to tell her about it. She hated it. She hated that he knew she was bad, whereas she wanted him to like her.
That is why she did what she did after. She began to appeal him, but she didn’t bear the fact that if she could ‘have it’ in this way, she could never have him to trust her now, since he knew what she had done. So she began to strangle him. Meanwhile, she wanted something else, that is maybe more complicated to understand.
With what she had done, she felt that she was not on the ‘good side’ anymore, but not yet on the ‘bad side’ since she had not done this crime willingly. And being stuck between those two sides made her more lost when she already was before.
To see him here, she realized she would never be as good as B, and that every effort she would make wouldn’t be enough to make the grade with her. In a few seconds, she had made up her mind, and decided to bent on the ‘bad side’, to show them all that she wasn’t just a sheep meant to be kept out of the limelight.
From this moment, she hated B so much for always having her friends to trust her. She hated that Xander wasn’t on her side since they had ‘shared something’.
To read in her mind at this very moment was very hard for me. I was disgusted by so much hatred, seeing this guy about to die, and meanwhile, I understood her feelings so well that I could nearly share her way to think and agree with her.
But I reassure you, Xander didn’t die. All of sudden, others came and clubbed her senseless.
They brought her into B’s lover mansion. I never talked about him but I should though. I think Angel is from far the one that Faith wants to trust the more. It’s a vampire, with a soul. In the beginning, my sister didn’t like him. He had committed so much awful crimes, and despite his soul, he was still a vampire. But now, she feels quite close to him, cause she committed a murder as well. She wanted to go to talk to him, she hesitated a lot those past few days, but she never dared.
I do think that it could have worked. She had felt from the cliff, but I would say she had saved herself by catching hold of a branch. A fragile branch. And if someone came to rescue her, she could be taken back up. (I apologize for this lame metaphor, but it’s really what I thought about when I think about how my sister went into all this sh*t).
But you might wonder why it didn’t work then? Well, this stupid little English squirt came out of the blue with his cohort and pushed Angel away to take Faith, willing to bring her to a disciplinary board. It was bound to fail. Understand, when she was with Angel, there was a little part in Faith that wanted to be brought back on the ‘good path’. They showed her that they cared about her at least a little. But this guy… gosh, she doesn’t bear him, and I totally understand her. I think nobody actually bear him in the whole group except for a silly bimbo girl that I didn’t even mentioned since she doesn’t seem important.
They took Faith into a van but since this guy was, as I said a little brat, he wasn’t aware of her strength, and so it was easy for her to escape.
It’s then that I regretted not had been able to contact Willow. Cause among everyone, she is the one who understand Faith the less. She wasn't ‘against’ but she was not very cheerful to the idea of helping my sister. Had I talked to her, I’m sure I could have made her understand and even be more helpful. I would have given tips or such, I don’t know, I would have done something useful. But she is too busy with what happen to go to chat on the Internet. It’s a pity that she cannot get my menials’ message. I thought she was the only one I could do talked to by mind, apart for my sister, thanks to her witch ability. But no.
Once Faith had escape from Wesley’s hand, she wandered for a while. She was thinking, and I tried at this very moment to talk to her, because the thinking mind would have made it easier. I think she might have got that I was trying to talk to her, because for a few seconds, she thought about me, and wondered what I had become, and what I would say if I knew. Then she wondered if I knew, of whether I still read her mind, if the distance made it unable or not. I was close to have a hope (no pun) because I thought she might try to concentrate to catch what I was saying… but she didn’t. On the contrary, she convinced herself that I had forgotten her and she began to think about what she would do again.
She saw two choices in front of her. On one hand, she could leave, with a freighter and begin another life farther, and on the other hand, she could take her revenge on B, obeying to this feeling that had dawn when Xander had come earlier.
Unconsciously, her paces had led her to the port. A freighter was there, and thinking about fate, Faith went in it, to look how it was inside and maybe then to settle. But just as she went on the pontoon bridge, she heard someone walking down, on the docks.
She looked, hiding herself, to see who or what it was. B, as usual, she was where she wasn’t wanted.
Faith shows up. Not for the entire world she would have avoided this meeting, because she would have appeared as a coward to her own eyes.
They had a talk, about their ‘friendship’ and such crap, and Faith told something, about being a slayer and loving it, the killing and fight with demons. It was exactly what B thought. But she is so hypocritical, because I can see in her mind that she like it and she still denied it. I don’t know why she doesn’t admit it. I think it’s because Faith told it, and B doesn’t want to accept anything coming from her as true.
And then, B acted silly. She had no more words to defend her point of view – which is pretty normal, since it wasn’t her point of view because she actually felt what my sister talked about – so she just hit Faith.
Wouldn’t her dare to say that my sister is violent after that! But anyway, she felt she had won this time, because violence is the argument of the weak, the ones who have nothing else left. And this one time, my sister didn’t burst into it the first.
As it got more intense, vampires suddenly came from nowhere. Mr. Trick himself was there. I don’t remember if I pointed this out, but Trick was one of Kakistos’ guys. Of course, my sister hated him because he reminds her of Helen’s death.
Whatever… the fight was going on with the vampires and Faith did well with them. She had energy to spare. Came the moment when she saw B about to be killed by Trick. She looked at the scene for a few seconds, hesitating. It was very disturbing. She had the occasion to let the one that she both admired and despised die. She wouldn’t even have to kill her… no other crime. It was tempting. But then, she saw Trick, and he remained her of Helen. Faith thought about what Helen would have said about this. She had died to save them, sacrificed her life, telling to resist to the vampires.
And another thought came. Darker thought. She realized she didn’t want B to die, she wanted to show her that she could win, Faith wanted to show her that she could match up to her.
All flashed through her mind, very quick, and before he could reach B’s neck, Trick was nothing anymore but dust.
Now you maybe think that Faith is ok, like B think. I wish it would be true.
Just after the fight, B went with my sister to her lame ‘room’ and let her there. She went to Giles, claiming everything was ok, thanks to her. Bullshit!
Faith went straight to the Mayor’s office. She went to him, told him she had killed his ‘boy’ and asked for a job.

I’m having some problem in my journey, which isn’t great. I’ll stop to tell here for today and try to find a way to deal with some things. My wrist hurt a bit after having written so much.
I’ll probably go back to the story when we were still in Boston next time.

[Frenchy Faith]

February 18th 1999

Ack!! Everything seems going wrong for me. I don't remember if I explained that I had some problems before, since I was so much involved in telling Faith's story with Kakistos.
I'll tell a bit about what happen to me because if Faith ever read this, I want her to know why it took me so long to arrive, if I ever arrive…
I began to have problems in El Paso. I had spent about 3 days there, to earn enough money to take a bus to the next big city, as I did since I began this trip.
I had found by some incredible chance, a job in a kind of little restaurant. I had to work as a dishwasher, and it was only for a few days, to replace the person who usually did this work.
The boss was a 50 oldish man, not very welcoming and I would dare to say that he was stinky. But well, I had to do this job, because I would earn more money than ever since I had began my trip, and it would enable me to faster my journey.
But during the 4th day, something went wrong. The man had already asked me questions cause I looked quite young, and I had tried to invent a story that could make him let me in peace. This day, I felt that something would happen, and I was careful with this boss because I had seen into his mind that he really wondered lots of thing about me.
As I enter by the back door of the restaurant I hurry cause I was late, I felt at once that something unusual was happening. I went into the boss' mind again, and he was actually in the main room, talking to two policemen. And of course, he was talking about me.
I don't know how I didn't see this coming; I should have seen it, with this ability.
But well, I still had a chance. Nobody had seen me yet, and I still could escape. Hopefully, I had money, because I had asked to the guy to pay me at the end of each day.
I slowly went back, and began to walk away from the area. But I was still in their minds, and I hear them think about checking out outside, since they didn't see me.
I began to run in the street and turned as soon as I could in a corner. They hadn't seen me but I had to leave the town ASAP!
The next bus to leave the town was about two hours ahead, and it went to Van Horn. Wong way, it was as if I went back, but I though it might be the better solution.
I wander for the two hours, being very careful, and then I went to the bus station… but the two cops were there.
I began to worry a bit. They still had not seen me, but I could take the bus.
I had no other solution than to hitch, hoping that I would meet those two crazy guys once more, or some other crazy drivers.
It was about 6 in the afternoon, and the sun rose slowly behind the horizon.
A woman, who drives to Alamogordo, finally took me. But it wasn't for a long time. There was a roadblock, and this time, I couldn't escape.
They got me. And now, it's been 3 days that they keep me here, and they want to send me back in NY. In the beginning, I thought it wasn't a problem and that I could escape, but I begin to doubt about it now.
When I think that my sister is responsible for that!!!
Well, yes, cause I didn't explained yet the whole thing. You might think that to put roadblock for a little runaway is a bit, too much??
It's all because of my sister.
But they come to bring me back there; they want to put me into the plane I heard. I must find a way to escape, I MUST go to see Faith, to help her to get out of this thing, cause she really hasn't got a nasty streak, she has a huge kind heart, she just doesn't show it, and tends to let it be swallowed by anger.

February 19th 1999

Dang it, they put me into the plane, and there is nothing I can do for now. I will escape again, there is nothing they can do to prevent me from this, and I’ll never give up.
So that you could understand why I was so much looked for, I should go on the story where I let it.
Faith had left all of sudden when we were in Helen's house to pick up our belongings.
I hadn't time to do anything that she was already far. I probed her mind, but she kept thinking of plain things as if she wanted to conceal something from me.
She went by bus, till the high skyscraper and entered one of them.
I was rummaging in the house, and I thought about taking the money from where Helen had told she hid it. But there was nothing, it was empty. I understood that Faith had taken it already.
Back in her mind, I tried to figure out what she intended to do with it. It came as a bombshell: Faith, my sister, the person I had spent my life with till this day, was talking to a woman, working in a fostering center.
I heard the whole talk between them. Faith gave every slightest dollar saved by Helen, in order to have me taken in a foster family and to make sure that I would be safe and under surveillance so that I would be unable to try to escape and catch her up – cause of course she knew I would do it –.
Helen had saved much more money than what I thought, and Faith had no problem to get what she wanted granted.
I was so much worked up to see this. She betrayed me; she just got rid of me, like she would do with an old knife. Anger overwhelmed me and I ran away from the house, stopping to read her mind… the mind of this traitor.
How could she do this to me? What would she become if I weren't by her side, to make her feel better, with my ability to take the torment from her chest? And how would I survive without her? What would I become?
The anger turned slowly in sorrow as I was running further. I couldn't live without her, I had never had anyone else to take care of me but Helen, and she was dead.
Unintentionally, I had run to our secret place, the one where we used to hide when we lived with our mother. I sat on the floor, and finally went back into my sister's mind. I was so much focused on myself before, that I hadn't see further than the facts, I hadn't looked how she felt about all of this.
I should have known though, that it was one of the hardest things to do for her. It was like the first time she had fought against me, to teach me.
She was pretending so well again. She looked perfectly calm in front of the woman, whereas inside, she was ripped.
I don't know how she guessed, but when she came back, she hesitated a second, and headed toward our hiding-place, instead of going back to Helen's house.
She amazed like that more than once, because she hadn't my ability, but sometimes she guessed things.
I was staring into space, still reading her thoughts when she arrived. She didn't say anything, and just sat on my side, and put her arm around my shoulders. She remained still for a while, thinking to Helen, and then, she began to explain me mentally, why she did it. Words would have been pointless, and she knew it. Had she talked, I would have argued with her, I would have found reason to prevent her to put me in a foster family.
She explained to me that it was the best for me, that it would be safer.
It was too much dangerous for me to live with her, because she would spend her life surrounded by demons and such, and the example of Kakistos showed that she couldn't protect me enough.
In a family, I would be safe, and I would go to school, and maybe, I would find a parental love.
She told I had to forget her, and to forget everything in my past, and that I would start a new life.
But I broke the silence. She would never make me forget her. So far, I knew she had thought what really was in her mind, but this… was too much. She didn't really want me to forget her.
'You can't ask me that, you don't even mean it' I shouted. She looked at me, and kept being silent. By mind, she repeated that I had to forget her, so that I could build a new life on good basis.
I just told her that she couldn't force me to do so, and that I knew she didn't want it.
She smiled because thought that we were alike in being stubborn.
We remained there for some hours, first without moving. Faith left her thought wandering, in the memories of our childhood and I was following every little thought.
I felt her tiredness, and I realized that she had not slept for a long time. I remembered what I used to do when I was younger, and I began to comb her hair with my hands. As a child, I loved to comb hair, and since it relaxed my sister, I used to do this often, when she was anxious or worrying. And this time again it was working, as it had always did… Faith fell asleep about 10 minutes after I had begun.
At that moment, I felt that she was the youngest, and that I had to take care of her. I put my coat on her, and go on combing. I made the decision to accept for now what she wanted, and to let her leave alone. I thought that if I came later, she wouldn't send me back when she would see me there.
She needed to be alone, to escape to Kakistos, without having me as a burden. But then, once she would have crossed the whole country and killed him, I was sure there she would agree to let me live with her again.

[Frenchy Faith]

February 19th 1999
– A few hours later, i.e. during the night. I'm in New York; they put me into this white room, waiting to find another family. I cannot sleep, this whiteness freak me out. -

Before to leave to New York – Faith had been told to bring me there because the head office was there or something – remained a last thing to do… we had to say bye to our mother.
I'm sure that some people don't understand why we kept thinking of her, and why we still wanted to see her a last time. I'm not sure I can explain… it's different depending on people… let's just say that despite the whole sh*t we had to go through because of her… well, she remained our mother.
I already explained it kind of. For example let me tell you that if anyone insulted our mother at school, both Faith and I fought with the little bugger. We allowed no one to say anything bad about her.
I might explain first what happen with her when we had left to live with Helen.
Actually, out mother and Helen had a talk, a few days after that Faith decided to tell to Helen a part of our story. Helen threatened a little our mother to make her let us go. She told her that if she persisted to keep us, she would have to alert children protection services, and that they would put us into foster family.
Our mother finally said it was ok when Helen gave her some money, and promised to take care of us –I let you guess what of the two interested the more out mother -.
We lived with Helen for nine months, and went to visit our mother twice. Each time, Helen had to give her some money to make her let us leave, because she said that she couldn't live without us –which was kind of true since she hadn't Faith anymore to bring her money and alcohol -.
When all of the story with Kakistos happened, we hadn't seen our mother for about five months.
We went in our old and crappy neighborhood and to our old and crappy house –did I dare to call it a house? -
At once, we noticed something quite unusual the shutters were open. Our mother used to let them closed all the time since she drank at night and slept it off during the day. I told Faith that it was weird, because I didn't feel our mother's mind. Oddly I found it neither in the house, nor anywhere else. I hadn't tried to see our mother's mind during all this time, and now it was like she had disappeared. I thought something might be wrong with me… but then another idea dawned on me. Anyway, I just rejected the idea, cause it seems impossible to me.
We passed the gate, and then the door of the house, trying to be as quiet as possible in case she would have been sleeping.
Everything had changed inside of the house. Instead of the old dirty sofa were two plain but clean armchairs. All over the main room had changed.
The door slammed quite loudly behind us, and a voice asked from what was our bedroom, if it was 'you darling'.
Faith and I looked at each other quite stunned. It wasn't our mother's voice; it was a meek and mild female voice. The woman appeared in the doorway of the room, and looked at us very surprised. A frown came on her lovely face and she shouted 'get out you little thieves!'
We stepped back a little, but then Faith decided to explain to her that we weren't thieves but that we used to live in this house with our mother, and that we were actually looking for her. The woman calmed down at once. She apologized, telling that there were a lot of thieves all around. Then she explained us that she lived in this house for more than two months already. My sister asked her if she had any idea about where the former inhabitant lived, and the woman gave us a look than meant 'Aww poor child I'm sorry'.
Faith thought she was sorry because she didn't know where to find her… for my concern, I knew already that the feeling I had had earlier was actually true.
The woman came at us, knelt in front of us and told us with a pathetic tone 'You must be strong children, you're mother is happy in another place now, she is safe with God'.
Faith and I answered in our head the same thing at the same time when we heard this 'in Hell you mean!'
Faith had for a second her so particular look that make people think that her mind is miles away from where she actually stands, and then, she uttered a 'thanks' and left. I followed her, running away from the woman that began to yell at us to wait.
It was strange to know she was dead. I was very surprised that I didn't feel anything when she died. I thought that I would at least be aware of something, have a little clue, that would told me 'your mother is dead'. But there had been nothing coming from her during those happy months we lived with Helen. My 'ability' had like left me for this concern.
For me, it wasn't really an awful loss, though I realized she was my mother. But it was different for Faith … you can understand it if you've read what I said about the relation between Faith and our mother.
It was melt and odd in her mind. There was a kind of relief, but going with a grief. Faith had lost her two parental figures in less than a week. Of course, Helen was the more important one to her eyes, but our mother still remained a big part into my sister's life. As I said before, Faith knew her more than I did since she was older and she cared about her more than I did, because she hadn't an older sister to take as a model, and took this model on the older chick around, i.e. our mother.