Humor !

[Frenchy Faith]

[glow=purple,2,90000] 'bout politics :

Political ability is the ability to fortell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterward to explain why it didn't happen. (Winston Churchill)

Every politician is a promising politician. (G.K Chesterton)

An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, stays bought.

For years politicians have promised the moon. I'm the first one able to deliever it. (R Nixon, mesage to astronauts)

He knows nothng & he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. (GB Shaw)

It's no use telling the politician to go to hell. They are trying to build it for us now.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedy.

Government is an institution through which sound travels faster than light.

Parliament is so strange: a man gets up to speak & says nothing. Nobody listens- and then everybody disagrees. (B Marshalow)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government & report the facts. (Will Rogers)

[/glow]

[Xander Snaps]

I was bored so I just wrote this meaningless stupid thing here................


Tom: I wanna be it.

John: You'll never be it.

Tom: I'll be what I wanna be when I wanna be cuz I wanna be it so than i'll be it so that I can be it and you can see me be it because being it is important to me!!!!!!

John: What is it?

Tom: Dunno...

John: Dumbass!!!

Tom: I know.

---

Lol, I heard this off of t.v. yesterday......

"Fine i'll go, but i'm not leaving."

That was on some show on the comdey channel.

[Frenchy Faith]

[glow=purple,2,300]he he he, you should become a comic Willy, [/glow]

[Frenchy Faith]

One of our english prog gave us this article & I found it hilarous :

Dave Barry: The guy's weapon of mass destruction
Dave Barry ©2003, The Miami Herald - Saturday, January 10, 2004

Have you ever wondered why the entire world runs so smoothly? The answer is: Guys.

Don't get me wrong: I have the deepest respect for women. My own wife is a woman. But when things need to get done, you cannot beat the results you get when guys swing into action.

For an excellent example, we turn now to a news story from the Greenville (South Carolina) News, written by John Boyanoski and sent in by alert reader Michael Ester.

The story concerns a guy - let's call him Guy A - who had a problem: There were leaves in his yard. So he fired up his leaf blower.

Leaf blowers are the ideal guy tool, because they have engines, they're loud and they enable you to blast debris, ray-gun-style, from one place to another without having to actually pick it up.

I'm willing to bet that somewhere in America, there's a guy who, at least once, cleaned his living room by firing up his leaf blower indoors and blasting everything - pizza boxes, beer cans, ancient potato-chip shards, underwear, deceased spiders - into a less critical area, such as the dining room. (This guy is not married.)

But getting back to our story, which I am not making up: Guy A, taking action, used his leaf blower to blow the leaves off of his property. Problem solved!

Except that the leaves wound up in the yard of another guy. Let's call him Guy B. He now had leaves in HIS yard. What do you think he should have done about this? Should he have asked Guy A, politely but firmly, to remove the leaves? Should he have avoided a potential confrontation by picking them up himself? Or should he have decided that life is too short to be bothered by this kind of petty annoyance, and simply ignored the leaves?

If you answered "yes" to any of these solutions, you are, with all due respect, a woman. What Guy B did, according to the Greenville County sheriff's department report, was the same thing that roughly 175 percent of the guys reading this column would have done: He fired up HIS leaf blower, and he blew the leaves back onto the yard of Guy A.

So now the leaves were back where they started. This was a crucial moment - a moment when some people, realizing that nothing good was going to come of this situation, would have said the heck with it. But these were not "some people." These were guys, and when guys start a job, guys want to finish it, no matter what. That is how we got the pyramids, the interstate highway system, and World Wars I and II.

So Guy A blew the leaves back onto Guy B's yard. This left Guy B with no choice but to blow the leaves back onto Guy A's yard, leaving Guy A with no choice but to blow the leaves back into Guy B's yard, and so on.

They played leaf-blower tennis for a while, until apparently it dawned on them how silly this was. And so, according to the sheriff's report, as recounted in the Greenville (South Carolina) News, "they started blowing air in each other's face."

From there, things went downhill. According to the sheriff's department report, Guy B claimed that Guy A head-butted him. Guy A claimed that Guy B hit his leaf blower with a hammer AND knocked his dust mask off, scratching his nose. (Yes: Guy A wore a dust mask. It's important to follow leaf-blower safety guidelines.)

Finally a sheriff's deputy was called to the scene of the dispute; after listening to the two sides, he shot both guys in the head, to improve the gene pool.

No, really, the deputy couldn't determine who was at fault, so he decided not to charge either guy.

I don't know what the situation is now, but it would not surprise me to find out that both guys - having learned a valuable lesson about how a stupid little dispute can escalate into a potentially dangerous situation - have purchased even bigger leaf blowers.

Speaking of which: A LOT of leaves get blown onto the United States from Canada. When are we going to fight back? When will the Defense Department launch a project to develop a tactical nuclear leaf blower, code-named Screaming Wind?

Until that happens, I urge you guys in northern states to grab your leaf blowers, organize into units and patrol the Canadian border, intercepting incoming leaves and blasting them back where they belong. You should wear camouflage.

Also, of course, dust masks. No point in taking chances.

[Xander Snaps]

If an animal farts in the woods and there's nobody around to hear it does it make a smell?

[Xander Snaps]

[glow=red,2,300]Fridge Frights[/glow]

When I went to college, I was a Science major. We were working on a salamander. The first thing we did was slit its belly, and all its guts pushed out. The test was Monday, so on Friday the professor said we could take it home over the weekend and put it in the refrigerator. I decided to keep it in the vegetable bin so my husband would not know about it. That evening I heard him rummaging around for something to munch on. He came in the bedroom, holding the salamander by one toe, its guts hanging out. When I told him I was a budding scientist, he told me to do my budding at school.

When I was in high school, being a cat lover, I got a new kitten almost every year. Well I had gotten my favorite kitten, Portia, a beautiful, sleek white kitten who was part Siamese. I took her to my cousin's house for the weekend and she roamed around their house. The cat would try to disappear or get away and we would find her. But one time, she did not pop out from under the furniture. I became alarmed that she was missing so I had the whole family tearing the house and neighborhood up in a frenzy. After an hour of searching, we gave up and I sat down in tears. She must have wandered off. My face was hot from being upset, so I wanted a drink of water. I opened the fridge to get some ice and in the bottom of the fridge there was a shivering white mass. It was Portia!! She had crawled into the fridge when someone had opened it and not seen her.

When I was in college my roommate and I wanted to try and cook a turkey... try being the operative word. I bought a turkey and put it in the freezer, one day I guess my roommate got hungry so he took it out of the freezer and it was frozen solid...so he put it in the sink and soaked it in hot water. I guess he got bored because he ordered Chinese food and put the now defrosted turkey in the freezer again (minus the plastic cover). About 6 months later I was going to move out and I opened the freezer to clean it. Needless to say it is the first time in my life I have ever seen a green turkey...

When I was in college I was renting a house with a few of my friends. About the time our lease was set to expire in June, it fell upon me to clean out our refrigerator. Being college-aged guys, we had never really cleaned anything out of there. When I opened one of the fruit/vegetable drawers I saw what looked like wet brown paper towels (like the ones they have in gas station bathrooms) wrapped in cellophane. After unwrapping the cellophane I was able to determine that it was not wet brown paper towels, but moldy lettuce. As best as I could figure, it had been in there since at least January.

One day I was at my friend's house, we were outside all day, it was really hot out and when we got in we was really thirsty. She told me to go get her and me some ice cream out of the freezer. Well I was looking around and took a box out that looked like ice cream. I opened the box and to my surprise it was her dead pet kitten! I screamed and put the box in the freezer. When I got back in the room she asked, "Where's the ice cream?" Then she said, "I forgot to tell you; My kitten died and we are going to go have it stuffed." Things were never the same after that. I would never look in her freezer.

I was staying with my Dad and stepmother for two weeks during the summer of 1992. My stepmother told me to go to the freezer and get the chicken so it could thaw out for dinner. She said it was wrapped in foil, and in a paper bag. What she did not tell me was that there were two dozen paper bags with dead animal parts in them. The worst part was when I picked up the second to the last bag, and figuring it had to be the chicken, stuck my hand in and pulled out a large hogs head that my Dad was going to use to make hogs-head cheese. I freaked out completely.

I am a secretary in a rural elementary school. One morning a 6-year old came in with a brown paper bag. He said, "It's a dead snake I found for Show and Tell." I knew his teacher would not be thrilled with this little item, so I suggested he let me keep it for him until he checked it out with her. I put the bag, with the snake in it, in the staff-room refrigerator. About 30 minutes later, I heard a shriek from the staff-room; a hungry young student teacher had decided to investigate other people's lunch bags!

My Friend Crystal's hamster died just before she moved to Virginia. She know she was going to move back so she just put the hamster in the freezer. She moved back and hasn't had the time to bury it yet so it's still there.

One day during the summer of 98 my friends and I decided to have a picnic. I decided to have my favorite, a salami and pickles sub. I was very tired so I told my mom to make it. About five minutes later I got up to see a sub on the counter I picked it up and met my friend out side. After a while I noticed there were no pickles in it. I went in the house and asked my mom why she hadn't put pickles in it. She stared at me with a funny look and said, "What sub? I haven't made it yet." I looked in the sub and saw that wasn't salami in there, it was a big clump of mold! It turns out she had just taken the bad bread out of the refrigerator! (eww!)

I was at my girlfriends house and we went grocery shopping with her mother Peggy. After we had gotten three baskets of groceries we got in the check out line. When we were all ringed up Peggy realized she couldn't find her wallet! This Clerk is sitting there and Peggy is crying cause her keys and wallet are missing. She happens to have her credit card in her pocket but how are we supposed to get home? And what about the wallet? So we searched the store till we finally decided to ask the store to make an announcement. I went to the front desk and told them that Peggy had lost her keys. The manager held up these icy icy wet keys and wallet and said that a customer turned them. They were in the freezer!

One of the science teachers in my junior high school has a Twinkie stuck to her classroom wall. It was placed there purposely and still remains so as far as I know. I think it might have been some sort of an experiment, but so far the Twinkie hasn't grown any mold, which is amazing to believe because it has been in the exact same spot for several years now.

A friend and I were house sitting for my dad while he was on vacation. One morning I went to fix breakfast and made pancakes. My friend had just poured syrup all over his pancakes and took several bytes. I asked him how they were and he said, "These are really good!" I sat down to eat, grabbed the syrup bottle and poured some over my pancakes. I took one byte and about gagged and said, "Yuck! These taste horrible!" "Hmm? They taste ok to me." I grabbed the syrup bottle and looked at the label. In very small writing, my dad had scribbled "vegetable oil" on the bottle. What kind of moron dumps his used cooking oil into a syrup bottle and puts in back in the cupboard with all the other syrup bottles? Only my dad would do something this stupid. (And yes, my friend is blonde!)

I didn't find this in the fridge, but I think it still counts as a weird find. I was cleaning out my older son's closet when I opened a box with an odd smell. I rummaged through papers he refuses to throw away and came on a foil wrapped package. Now my son was 16 at the time, 19 now, and my benumbed mind thought, 'oh no, DRUGS!' I've never done drugs, never seen drugs, and sure never smelled them either, but I opened the foil package convinced my son was some kind of hard core dealer with the size of this thing! What was it? A spice cake that a friend had given him for a Christmas gift, he didn't want to 'eat his present' so he 'saved it'! So he found out you can't save food, and I found out most drugs do not smell like pumpkin!

Here's a fridge story...well it has to do with food. My friend went to this restaurant one time and he wasn't hungry at all so he had them wrap up his burger in one of those Styrofoam containers. Well, he brought it back to his dorm and threw it somewhere in the mess that his room was. Right before spring break, he was cleaning up his room and discovered the Styrofoam package. He bravely opened it up to find that the burger had grown so much mold, it had taken the shape the of the Styrofoam package.

As a child, my next door neighbor was a sculptor. He specialized in birds & people often gave him dead birds to use as models for his work. He would keep the birds in the fridge for future reference. My neighbor's wife had hired a new cleaning lady & on her way out the door to shop she told the new help "there's some bird in the fridge if you get hungry" (she meant turkey!). Needless to say, when the cleaning lady stopped for lunch she had a little surprise waiting in the fridge for her.

While in High School a friend of mine asked if I could help her baby-sit a few toddlers one night. I had nothing better to do so I went with her. The night went smoothly and It was time to put the youngest to bed, so I went to the fridge to get some milk for a bottle and there staring at me was a HUGE goats head, eyeballs intact. I'm all for exotic foods but that's too much.Yuck!

When I was a senior in high school, our theatre "green room" (where the Thespians go to when they are not on stage or waiting in the wings during a performance, so they won't be heard by the audience) was home to a refrigerator containing a suspension of mold inside of a half-full jug of apple cider. We dubbed it, "The Embryo," and adopted it as our mascot.

[Xander Snaps]

[glow=blue,2,300]Fridge Frights Continued[/glow]

My husband and I refer to this one as "The Spaghetti Standoff". Back in 1991 I had made pasta for dinner. After cooking, serving and cleaning this dinner I put the pasta in a Tupperware container and asked Ted to put it in the fridge. Being a guy this meant whenever he got to it...which he didn't. Before bed I mentioned it again...still didn't. When you put two very stubborn people together a battle of principles is going to break out. This thing was used to put the soap on, an occasional salt shaker but no fridge. Some time around September (the pasta was made in June) I finally won when he had to open this horrendous, hairy goop and dispose of it. It could have used a haircut!

About a month after that incident I happened to be cleaning out the bottom drawer of the fridge. We affectionately call it the "Bin of Despair". In it was a baseball size circle of tin foil. I opened it and couldn't"t identify what it was so I called Ted in for help. We spent almost 20 minutes poking, sniffing, cross sectioning and even microwaving it for some clue as to it's identity. We never did figure out what that one was.

I found...(BUM BUM BUM!) The back of the refrigerator! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I live in a house with 3 teenagers, all i see is the back.

When I was in elementary school I had a pet turtle and two pet cats. On one of those summer vacations that everyone suffers as a child we had the neighbors watch our pets. Unbeknownst to us, the turtle died while we were away. A raccoon or some other animal had torn him up a bit. But thinking that at my age I would wish to perform a burial on my beloved pet, they thoughtfully put him for safe keeping and preservation, into our freezer. Unthoughtfully they did not leave a note. I was distraught that I could not find my turtle in his area of the yard. Latter that night we were all to have some ice cream for desert, which is when we discovered my lost and deceased pet.

We had this housekeeper once that smokes these itty bitty stuff that's colored black. Well anyway, one time, my dad and I got home late and was hungry so we raided the fridge. I saw Dad about to munch on something that looked vaguely familiar. Turns out that the housekeeper put the stuff she smokes in there! My dad thought it was chocolate!

One day I was at my friends house and we decided to have ice cream. I went over to her freezer and was digging around in it, looking for the ice cream, when I came across a ziplock freezer bag filled with little pink dead baby mice!!! It was soo gross! When I asked her about it, she told me that they were for her brothers snake...but still!

My sister-in-law Dot's husband Jimmy used to go out on a Friday or Saturday night and get thoroughly sloshed! Usually when he got home, he had a serious case of the "munchies" and would raid the fridge for something to eat. Earlier in the evening, Dot had opened a LARGE fresh can of dog food. Their dog was a small poodle mix who did not eat that much, and the can of dog food was almost as big as the dog! Dotty slid the rest of the dog food onto a saucer, covered it with plastic wrap to protect it, and put it in the fridge. Next morning at the breakfast table, Jimmy complemented her on the meat loaf from the previous night's dinner. Dot reminded him, she had made chicken. Now, Dot puts a note on the dog food which reads: "Jimmy - DO NOT EAT THIS!"

I was at my grandmother's house at Thanksgiving in 1998. We were having salad among other things. My grandmother pulled out some ranch dressing and gave everybody some. The house started smelling awful. Everybody took a bite of their salad and just about puked. My dad got the salad dressing bottle out of the trash and looked at it. The expiration date was 1968. My grandmother tasted hers and said, "It's not old, it just tastes different,they made it different back then." Ever since then I look at the expiration dates before I eat ANYTHING at her house!

I remember a time from my childhood when my dad woke up hungry in the middle of the night and decided to make a sandwich. He did so, and after eating it was still hungry. So he dished up a bowl of ice cream. The next morning, my mother couldn't figure out why there was a loaf of bread in the freezer. But the melted ice cream running out of the breadbox gave her a clue...

I opened a can of dog food to feed the dog but he wouldn't eat it. So I put it in the fridge uncovered. About this time the power got shut off because we were moving. Left for a couple of weeks, came back to clean the house up and opened the fridge. A whole bowl of maggots were in the dog dish I had left inside.

I used to work for a drug-testing laboratory. We came in one morning, and found a notice that a result had been challenged, so we had to retrieve the original sample from the freezer, and re-test it. My boss went in to the freezer, and the next thing I hear was an ear-shattering scream. I ran over there, looked in the freezer and saw a frozen, full-grown wild boar standing in the middle of the freezer. It seems that one of the lab techs had gone hunting that weekend, and since his taxidermist was closed on Sundays, thought he could leave his trophy in the lab freezer till Monday morning!

My AP Biology teacher told our class a story of one of her sophomore biology students who thought it would be interesting to attempt to cryogenically freeze his sister's hamster. So he put it in the freezer and froze it. Once that was completed, he wanted to bring it back to life (maybe he realized his sister wouldn't be too happy with a frozen hamster). So he tried to bring the poor hamster out of its deep freeze - by putting it in the microwave! This didn't go over too well either, as many would imagine.

My husband's mother was originally from East Germany. She was very big into hiding/hoarding food items. A few months after she passed away we were helping his father go through the house before selling it. Amongst things such as 10 different containers holding 20-30lbs of sugar we found a jar in the back porch. It contained a black, gooey substance. My husband's father and sister were trying desperately to get this mystery jar open to see what it was inside. At this point my husband walked in to see them and told them that, "They might not want to open that particular jar." He informed them that it was Friendship Bread Starter that was most likely from about 1981. His mother had passed away in 1994. I shudder to think of what smells would be in that kitchen had they succeeded in opening the jar!!!! Friendship Starter is a fermented fruit juice mixture used in the making of friendship bread.

[Xander Snaps]

[glow=black,2,300]Fridge Frights Continued Again[/glow]

When I was in the Bahamas, I got to help bring an old beat up 70' motor sailboat back to Miami. It was a repo so the captain was in no big hurry. We fished and dived and had much fun on the way back. Six months later, I got a call from the captain, asking if I wanted to help him restore it for the buyer who ended up with it. Being young and foolish, I was pleased to accept. When we first walked aboard, the rolling funk from the cabin almost took our heads off. As the lowest member of the crew totem pole, I was elected to go down and see what the source of this air-born horror was. Mind you now, we never thought we'd ever see this boat again so when we left, we just grabbed our things and left. The boat sat from April to September in Miami fl. with no electricity. In the refrigerator were approximately thirty pounds of squirming maggots in plastic bags that once held thirty pounds of fine lobster tails we forgot all those months ago. The only thing recognizably lobsterish were a few pieces of lobster shell you could catch fleeting glimpses of in the boil of grubs. at the time, I was just 16 so I thought it was hysterically funny rather than gross. Guess they picked the right man for the job.

My remote control was lost for about two days, I looked every where for it until once I woke up for a midnight snack when I found this hard thing next to the milk I took it and found that it was my remote control all along!

I do a regular clean out of my fruit and vegetable bin in the fridge and there is always a plastic bag with black gooey liquid in there. I never know what it used to be but it is ALWAYS there! I thought you might relate to this.

This isn't a refrigerator story, but it fits well, in Springdale mall, in mobile, Al there is a Chinese restaurant, one morning before the mall opened I was walking by the restaurant, and in front of it's door was a box of chicken fully defrosted. Later that day they had plenty of chicken, I think the stupid people are the ones that eat there.

About a year ago, my wife was taking a graduate seminar in Anatomy at the local university. During the week before an exam, she got to bring home the brain of their cadaver. I got home early while she was at the market and was rummaging through the fridge for a snack when I saw this large object wrapped in foil. Imagine my surprise when I opened it to find a brain in a large plastic bag. When my wife got home, I told her what I found. Her reaction: "My God, you didn't eat it did you?" The next time an exam rolled around, sure enough, there was the brain, this time with a note: Brain, Do Not Eat! Suffice to say, I never sampled it.

I found a tooth brush, tooth paste, hand towel, hat, a watch and assorted rotten foodstuffs. ....why I wont say.

In an inquisitive mood at my friends house, I was searching through her freezer for something to eat, when I cam across a plastic container, full of little vials. I took out one of the vials, filled with yellow liquid, and asked her what it was. I discovered it was samples of her morning urine for the past month!

While visiting a friend's house one summer I went to their freezer to grab some ice for my soda. There were about ten people there and the day was hot, so the automatic ice cube maker bin was pretty barren. I reached way in back, hoping to find a few leftover ice cubes, and felt something oddly shaped under my fingers. Curious, I pulled it out. Way, WAY in the very back of the ice cube maker I found a key ring with a key on it. It turned out that it was my friend's hubby's house key that he had "lost" more than two years previously. Lost in the ice maker??? Um, yeah, right next to the banana guacamole, huh?

My step-dad is a hard core bird photographer. One week he decided he was going to photograph some owls in the woods. He needed something to bait the owls with, but he didn't tell us about it. About a month before he was going to go, he began to catch and collect dead mice to attract the owls. He put them in a coffee can and placed them in the freezer. We keep out coffee in the freezer to keep it fresh. You can imagine my surprise one night when I came and opened a can full of frozen mice!!! YUCKY!!!!!

I once came from a late night party. Not feeling too well, I went to bed. The next morning, waking up with a huge headache, I wanted to go get some breakfast. I searched high and low for my car keys and could not find them. After searching about an hour, I decided to make myself breakfast and not go to the local store. As I was about halfway finished with my breakfast, I reached into the fridge to get some milk and there was the car keys. I later on found the water bottle in the living room where I was supposed to put my keys.

[Xander Snaps]

[glow=purple,2,300]Funny Product Warnings[/glow]

On a lawnmower I had was a big label which read:
"WARNING WHEN MOTOR IS RUNNING- THE BLADE IS TURNING!"

We once bought a grocery store pizza and the instruction were on the bottom, so we turned it upside down to see how long to cook it etc., and low and behold the first instruction was DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN!

Warning on a curling iron: Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orifice…

My bathroom has inadequate ventilation and therefore, develops mold spots in the lower corners. I attempted to purchase a cleaner specifically designed to remove bathroom mold deposits. The directions on the product label stated, "Only use in well ventilated areas."

Seen on the bottom of a Coca-Cola bottle: "Do not open here."

On a bottle of spray paint: "Do not spray in your face."

On a bottle of bathtub cleaner: For best results, start with clean bathtub before use.

On a container of lighter fluid: WARNING: Contents flammable!

On a bottle of hand lotion: Warning: Starts healing skin on contact.

On a box of household nails: CAUTION! - Do NOT swallow nails! May cause irritation!

Microwave popcorn is packaged so that the directions cannot be read unless you open the plastic and unfold it. Direction #1 is Remove plastic.

On a television commercial that says it cleans dentures 4 times better. Below in small print it said "Lab test: (their product) vs. water.

On a television commercial I saw it said they their denture paste was better than any other. BELOW IT, it said in small letters, vs. using no adhesive.

I have a full-face motorcycle helmet with a giant arrow pointing to the front. I can only guess that some idiot put the helmet on backwards, jumped on a bike and hurt himself. This is to protect to manufacturer from future lawsuits.

One day I went to a wall-mart out of state and I went to buy a blow dryer when I read the warnings it said "DO NOT BLOW DRY IN SLEEP"

Seen on the back of a drink bottle label: "Do not peel label off."

On a Band-Aid box: "For serious injuries, seek medical attention."

On a can of powdered infant formula: "Mix with water before serving." Like I'm going to sthingy it to my baby dry!

This stupid label was found on a can of Woolite carpet cleaner: "Safe for carpets, too!"

This label was found on the BOTTOM of a box of glass ornaments: "Do not turn upside down."

On a box of Frosted Cheerio's, the logo, "Tastes so good this box never closes," is located just underneath another announcement: "To close: place tab here."

On a plastic orange juice can: "100% pure all-natural fresh-squeezed orange juice from concentrate."

I once saw an ad for some type of contest on a candy bar. The wrapper said "No purchase necessary - Details Inside."

Directions for eating Lunchables Nachos: Dip chips in cheese and salsa.

The golf carts on the course I worked at have warning labels saying, "Not for highway use."

On Clorox Fresh Care: (for cleaning out odors from fabric) "Safe to use in households with pets Warning: Fresh Care is NOT intended to be sprayed directly on pets."

While working at a large medical center in the Midwest, a construction worker was admitted with a large hammer sticking out of his head. Seems he was in an altercation with another gentleman. On the side of the hammer were the words, 'Use protective eyewear.'

On the back of the Pilots seat on NATO AWAC Aircraft (E-3A), is a sign that states: "Seat must be facing forward for take off and landing."

I came upon a bottle of children's cough medicine stating "Caution: May cause drowsiness; do not drive or operate heavy machinery"

On the label of Sterno is a warning that says, "Do not use near fire or flame." Check it out!

Seen on a container of salt:
Warning: High in sodium

Seen on computer instructions: Visit our site for further instructions. www.pc.com/pc/instructions.htm

On a hose nozzle there was a warning that said: "Do not spray into electrical outlet."

Seen on an industrial size washer in our local laundry establishment was the (large lettered) sign: "Warning: Do not put any person in this washer."

There is also a stroller on the market with the warning, "Remove child before folding."

I saw a car ad depicting cars driving in the water with fins like sharks. At the end of the ad in small letters it read: "Caution, do not drive underwater"

[Frenchy Faith]

[glow=purple,2,900000]That's a cute & hilarous video of cats, really really worth watching !!!

kamazutra.free.fr/cats/

Most of the other video are funny too btw[/glow]

[Frenchy Faith]

kamazutra.free.fr/fight/

Same site but capoera & martial art, impressive

kamazutra.free.fr/yama/
& this one with some yamakasi (don't know how you call them in english) very impressive too

[Frenchy Faith]

[glow=purple,2,900000]Time for jokes guys !

Questions :
1) Why did the jellybean go to school?
2) What do you call a bull fast asleep?
[/glow]

Answers : (highlight to view)

1) Because he wanted to become a smartie.
2) A Bulldozer



Erica: Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
Pokey: I don't have the foggiest idea!
Erica: Because he was looking for Pooh!!!!!!

***

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students to point out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be off limits for all male students, and the male dormitory to female students. Anybody caught breaking these rules will be fined $40 the first time, $90 the second time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the third time will be fined a hefty $200. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

***

It's very uncommon for two archers to have the same score. Everyone knows that bow ties went out of style years ago.

[Frenchy Faith]

[glow=teal,2,900000]Sorry for the wonky translation, I didn't have much time to do it...

THE ROPE

During a rescue with a helicopter, 11 survivors were hanging on a rope which linked them up to the helicopter.
There were 10 men & one woman. The rope started to break and they all agreed that there was one person too much on the rope. One had to fall in order to save the others.
No one could make up their minds. Finally, the woman started to speak, she said she would give up her life to save her friends, because a woman’s fate is to serve men, to serve their children and to sacrifice herself everyday before the stronger sex in order to make the latter happy.
When she stopped her speech, all the men clapped their hands.
…
Never underestimate a woman’s power!
[/glow]

[Faithy]

Lol, I’ve heard that one before, and it’s still funny.

[Frenchy Faith]

Last time I was at the swimming pool & a woman was there & she is like talking all the time to everyone. This time she decided to chat a little with me... & therefore since she asked, I told her about my past trips and plans for travelling next summer & nexct year & later..... guess what she said ?
Your mother must be proud of you.... .... I said nothing & just smiled.... that's hilarous I think.... nope I'm not bitter...

[Birdy]

[shadow=red,left,500]1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
2. He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
5. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
6. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
7. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
8. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
9. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
10. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
[/i][/shadow]